I feel like I'm drowning...

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  • Rainbow Dragon
    replied
    That's great! Some progress at least, and it's great that you were able to speak honestly with your Dad about the situation. (He must be so stressed too.) Good work!
    I'm wishing for you strength to keep working through this extremely challenging situation.

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  • S.H. Artistry
    replied
    Rainbow Dragon I just had a heart-to-heart with Dad on the matter. I get the sense he sees where I'm coming from and that he'll have my back - for what I may have to do (again, above board).

    It feels... like a small relief. I'm still trying to gather the appropriate resources to act upon. But he recognizes that he too must try to prepare himself for it. His say will be important/integral in all this.

    Right now, I'm just happy he saw how much I was hurting over it.

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  • Rainbow Dragon
    replied
    It sounds like you understand your situation but others in your household do not. That's really tough. Something that could offer you protection at this point would be to get the problem house guest to sign a document (in front of witnesses) stating that he understands he is a house guest and not a tenant or boarder and that you therefore have the right to ask him to leave with no notice. (Speak to a legal professional to get appropriate wording.) Given the problems your grandparents had getting this person evicted, this is an entirely reasonable ask. If your father cannot see that, he is a fool. If the problem house guest refuses to sign such a document, he has already violated your household's hospitality and you all need to start the process of legally evicting him right away. If you're afraid to even make such a request...

    If you truly do not have the ability to get this person out of your house, I think you need to keep working on your own escape plan. Create a way for you to be safe. I don't know what that would look like for you. A shelter? Sleeping in your car? Securing affordable long term accommodations elsewhere? Cast your net wide, consider all your options, and don't dismiss anything out of hand. Ask your resources for help in formulating your escape plan too. Maybe--hopefully--you will never need it. But knowing that you have a viable escape plan in place would help to ease your mental turmoil, and even just doing the work of creating the plan might help a bit.

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

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  • S.H. Artistry
    replied
    Rainbow Dragon Yeah. I know one distinction between ours and the grandparents' situation is a matter of duration. They waited a couple years before filing and putting it in effect - after property was stolen/defaced. He has only been here for about a week. I do know that the longer he's allowed to stay - the worse it would look for our case. I'm not sure dad, in particular, fully appreciates that potential outcome.

    One of the first articles I've encountered on the subject was this one. And I'm not sure how I can pursue that thread without consensus and backing up. I'm worried about screwing it up or that I may've already screwed up somehow. (A lot of second party people have at least one hand tied, too.)

    I haven't yet crystallized where I would go if the shit hits the fan. Only place might be the grandparents... but they're not as supportive about this situation as I would hope. (They've kind of shot down the idea of clear answers in this mess.) And I don't have friends close enough (both physically and mentally) that I could turn to (in that respect).

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  • Rainbow Dragon
    replied
    I'm not familiar with California law. But certainly here in Ontario, showing up at the home of family members and "deciding to stay" does not make one a legal tenant and consequently does not confer tenant's rights upon the individual. Legally getting the person out of your home may be a much simpler and faster process than you fear. If the other members of your household are not on board with the plan, however, that can certainly complicate things. You know your situation best. But I suggest you at least make a backup plan for someplace safe for you yourself to go to, if it comes to that.

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  • S.H. Artistry
    replied
    Rainbow Dragon I get that. I just want to make sure that if I get the cops involved they'll be able to actually do something. Not just make an even more unsafe breakdown of trust than is already present. Because there's this long [and potentially very costly] process around getting someone formally evicted - I saw how long it took the grandparents. And I don't have all the say in the matter (brother and dad need to be on at least nearly the same page with me - or else the authorities might not feel it within grounds. They're members of the first party mentioned here, not wanting to rock the boat and try to make things break off as peacefully/civilly as possible.)

    He hasn't made threats on our person (just aforementioned extrafamilial drama). But I feel like it might come to that if I don't make sure I do this the right way...

    TopNotch And thank you for the support and well wishes.

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  • Rainbow Dragon
    replied
    If this person's presence is presenting a physical danger to yourself or any member of your household, get them out now. Go to the police for assistance, if necessary.

    Feeling stress over a verbally unpleasant situation and/or the potential for damage to/loss of property is one thing. A threat to your physical safety is a whole different kettle of fish entirely. People who make threats sometimes do act on them. Do not take the risk.

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  • TopNotch
    replied
    Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time right now but draw strength (when your own is failing) from the thought that out here in Darebee land is a whole host of people who are willing to give you what support they can. Don't know what else to say except I hope things resolve quickly and to your satisfaction.

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  • S.H. Artistry
    replied
    Redline Make no mistake, I am in full agreement. The degree of compassion I have is purely a humanistic one (he'd be homeless, sleeping in his truck on the cold side of the year, and tempting the law in doing so), not a familial one - but that doesn't override everything else about this situation. It's just one of the areas of resistance of the first party - which I get... but it doesn't make decision-making easier..

    This reminds me of that (apocryphal) interpretation, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." I like that better than the common form of the saying.

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  • Redline
    replied
    S.H. Artistry, if that person is psychologically unstable and potentially dangerous, make sure you protect yourself and the people you care about first. In my opinion, the fact he's family shouldn't come into play here. Blood ties are only as strong as you're willing to make them.

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  • S.H. Artistry
    replied
    Amirsh Impotent as I felt it to be at the time - the fact he has reveled in threatening death to person he had feelings for online, contributes to my increasing hesitance on confronting him without back-up. If he's that vicious and temperamental to someone he barely [actually] knew... (His lack of internet literacy and paranoid/delusional tendencies is a whole other can of worms. He wants me to help him navigate this stuff - but I can't hope to get anywhere with Occam's Razor - here. And I honestly don't want to deal with his interpersonal issues as it is.)

    Thanks for that insight - I'll take it on board. Not yet solid on my course of action. But what you said made a lot of sense.

    Mianevem Yeah. More I think it - no one will come out of any possible option unscathed. I just don't see an action that won't be extremely messy and it makes the risk-aversion that much harder to ignore. I want to do what I can to ensure my own safety - that much is clear. The how is the hard part. But you're right, I can't afford to do absolutely nothing about it (either internally or externally).

    dopaw And thank you for the kind words, as well. I wish I had the mental space to not feel like I have to force myself to get other things done (such as my workouts and preparing meals)... but I'll give myself credit for the effort to remove some forks. I hope I can get some more clarity the next time I meet with my case manager...

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  • dopaw
    replied
    I hate that you feel like this. You need to just take your time but not to long to resolve this issue.

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  • Mianevem
    replied
    Yeah, that sounds familiar, ending up in a circle of self-doubt and getting tangled in my own questions as in a spider's web. I guess what you can do is just decide between the available options, accepting that there's no way for you to know for certain which one is the best until the whole issue is long behind you, and also accepting that you might possibly regret the decision. You take risks no matter what you do or don't do, but it could help still your swirling thoughts if you take a deep breath, decide on a course of action and stick to it, embracing the responsibility that comes with it. (Unless, of course, proof appears that your decision was wrong and you need to change your actions -- but let's not complicate it again.)

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  • Gandhalfit
    replied
    Maturity is overrated and I'm not sure it applies in this case. If he's causing you this much distress you should do what's right for you. Don't rush into it, ask yourself how it would affect you. Try to talk to him about it - but if you're afraid of his reaction it's a sure sign that you shouldn't be the one to take care of him.

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  • S.H. Artistry
    replied
    Sundance Thank you for that, too.

    I find myself wishing like I didn't have to rush this but knowing it can't just persist with too much lenience. It was mutually hellish the last few years he was with his parents and it took legal action to finally be done with him. I don't want history repeating itself under our roof. The thought is bleak.

    I find myself second-guessing myself a lot. "Am I being reasonable? Am I being mature about this? Should I be more patient? Do I have to stuff my own feelings down and suck this up? Or is it better to honor the feelings and be more assertive? What's the safest course of action? What's the most effective course of action?"

    ... and it's a swirl of "I don't know." (And I think others can only suggest to me these answers, especially outside of meat space circles and care providers. I wish somebody else could take the wheel on this one.)

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