I feel like I'm drowning...

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    I feel like I'm drowning...

    This past week has been extremely rough, involving a family member deciding to stay here (I'm not up for giving much more detail here, for the time being). I'm trying to reach out for my resources (HCP, case manager, local crisis unit; due for follow-up in next week for 2 of those providers).

    But I don't know how much I can afford to compromise. I feel like I'm having a persistent anxiety attack.

    One party in my life wants to keep the problem at verbal contract level, basically an honor system for the next couple months. Keep a negative peace in the meantime. Which I don't know how I'll be able to cope with it for that long, without some accountability.

    Another party has stressed the need to nip this at the bud sooner than later - impression is to try to make appropriate measures much sooner than that. Which I personally agree with more. But feel nearly powerless to do anything without somebody on my side with capacity to help.

    I already tried to write something I thought was reasonable for them. But it blew up in my face and I feel less safe, emotionally.

    I already shouted into the void on Twitter, I don't know how useful it will be to talk about it here. Because I need something actionable and I know there's only so much online friends can really do.

    I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish, here. I just feel extremely desperate.

    #2
    S.H. Artistry I don’t know what to say. You sure seem to have an awful lot on your plate. Try to stay strong. Keep talking; to people, to the Hive.

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      #3
      Thank you PETERMORRIS966 .

      I know people care. It's sincerely nice to feel less like I'm talking to a wall.

      I want to be hopeful but it's hard to be hopeful when your expectations/boundaries are a giant question mark. Boundaries have always been a problem for me. Maybe those follow-ups will get me some sense of direction. Sorely tempted to maybe ask for an earlier appointment with my therapist than the one I have booked...

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        #4
        I don't know what the situation is but if it's causing you so much distress maybe nipping it in the bud is the better option. Another option would be to bare with it and try to adjust to a new situation - if that is at all possible.
        We're here for more long distance words in any case.

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          #5
          Reaching out here is always a good thing. Just like the others, it's hard to give specific advice or offer relevant support without having more detail, but in my personal experience... sometimes, you just have to let some things go. It may hurt a while, but it won't hurt as much in the long run.

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            #6
            If you feel like you're in crisis, definitely get an earlier appointment. When you feel the anxiety boiling to an unacceptable level, close your eyes and focus on the sound of your breath. It won't take your problems away but it will give a brief moment away.

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              #7
              Amirsh Redline This family member was previously evicted from their last place of residence and has lost a lot of trust for it. He has demonstrated time and again a lack of accountability and responsibility. Enough so that the fear that some of our things getting stolen is a legitimate worry. (Whether it will happen remains to be seen, but the history is there.) The only way I think I can truly let this go is when he leaves the premises, I feel like I can't completely turn off the hyper-vigilance until I know it's going to happen (legally, of course... I have no intention of trying to do some kind of DIY eviction, I know that's the wrong way to do things).

              CODawn I deeply appreciate the reminder of trying to access those tools to make it more bearable. If there's another major spike - I'll call about making an earlier appointment on Monday (I don't think the office is open on the weekend.)

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                #8
                I hope you and your family find a quick solution.

                I was faced with a family crisis this week. I tried to steer clear of the problems but to no avail. So I had to address the problem with my dad and we talked things through.

                I spent a lot of energy figuring out what was the right thing to do: To steer clear or to address the problem. Unfortunately the answer rarely gives itself. Fortunately, things never last, which I find comfort in when I'm in the middle of it.

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                  #9
                  Sundance Thank you for that, too.

                  I find myself wishing like I didn't have to rush this but knowing it can't just persist with too much lenience. It was mutually hellish the last few years he was with his parents and it took legal action to finally be done with him. I don't want history repeating itself under our roof. The thought is bleak.

                  I find myself second-guessing myself a lot. "Am I being reasonable? Am I being mature about this? Should I be more patient? Do I have to stuff my own feelings down and suck this up? Or is it better to honor the feelings and be more assertive? What's the safest course of action? What's the most effective course of action?"

                  ... and it's a swirl of "I don't know." (And I think others can only suggest to me these answers, especially outside of meat space circles and care providers. I wish somebody else could take the wheel on this one.)

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                    #10
                    Maturity is overrated and I'm not sure it applies in this case. If he's causing you this much distress you should do what's right for you. Don't rush into it, ask yourself how it would affect you. Try to talk to him about it - but if you're afraid of his reaction it's a sure sign that you shouldn't be the one to take care of him.

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                      #11
                      Yeah, that sounds familiar, ending up in a circle of self-doubt and getting tangled in my own questions as in a spider's web. I guess what you can do is just decide between the available options, accepting that there's no way for you to know for certain which one is the best until the whole issue is long behind you, and also accepting that you might possibly regret the decision. You take risks no matter what you do or don't do, but it could help still your swirling thoughts if you take a deep breath, decide on a course of action and stick to it, embracing the responsibility that comes with it. (Unless, of course, proof appears that your decision was wrong and you need to change your actions -- but let's not complicate it again.)

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                        #12
                        I hate that you feel like this. You need to just take your time but not to long to resolve this issue.

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                          #13
                          Amirsh Impotent as I felt it to be at the time - the fact he has reveled in threatening death to person he had feelings for online, contributes to my increasing hesitance on confronting him without back-up. If he's that vicious and temperamental to someone he barely [actually] knew... (His lack of internet literacy and paranoid/delusional tendencies is a whole other can of worms. He wants me to help him navigate this stuff - but I can't hope to get anywhere with Occam's Razor - here. And I honestly don't want to deal with his interpersonal issues as it is.)

                          Thanks for that insight - I'll take it on board. Not yet solid on my course of action. But what you said made a lot of sense.

                          Mianevem Yeah. More I think it - no one will come out of any possible option unscathed. I just don't see an action that won't be extremely messy and it makes the risk-aversion that much harder to ignore. I want to do what I can to ensure my own safety - that much is clear. The how is the hard part. But you're right, I can't afford to do absolutely nothing about it (either internally or externally).

                          dopaw And thank you for the kind words, as well. I wish I had the mental space to not feel like I have to force myself to get other things done (such as my workouts and preparing meals)... but I'll give myself credit for the effort to remove some forks. I hope I can get some more clarity the next time I meet with my case manager...

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                            #14
                            S.H. Artistry, if that person is psychologically unstable and potentially dangerous, make sure you protect yourself and the people you care about first. In my opinion, the fact he's family shouldn't come into play here. Blood ties are only as strong as you're willing to make them.

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                              #15
                              Redline Make no mistake, I am in full agreement. The degree of compassion I have is purely a humanistic one (he'd be homeless, sleeping in his truck on the cold side of the year, and tempting the law in doing so), not a familial one - but that doesn't override everything else about this situation. It's just one of the areas of resistance of the first party - which I get... but it doesn't make decision-making easier..

                              This reminds me of that (apocryphal) interpretation, "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." I like that better than the common form of the saying.

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