Embrace the chaos

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    Embrace the chaos

    My lovely bees,

    It is time for a new thread, because I had some realizations in the past weeks and I feel that I need a different approach to this blog.

    $ whoami

    I am Twitchy, 31 years old, and I work in technical service (somewhat like a system administrator). I live in Southern Germany with my fiancé and our wonderful old cat. I have recently started part-time studies to get my masters degree in computer science. My life is stressful at the moment with a lot of commuting and trying to catch up with my university stuff on the weekend.

    I have been struggling with severe mental health issues all my life, including depression, self-harming behavior and chronic insomnia. I only reached out for help two years ago when it was almost too late. I had talking therapy for twelve months and some kind of group therapy for three months and I am regularly seeing a neurologist because I am also on meds. The reason why I talk about this openly is not that I want attention, but that there are people out there who, like me, don't know that they're not alone and that there's help out there.

    I also struggle with disordered eating. It is called binge eating. It's not like "oh my god, I was so stressed and I ate three chocolate bars and a bag of chips". Binging is a violent, self-distructing, painful thing that your mind forces you to do. Binge eating often goes hand in hand with strange rules around food, eating in secret, and feeling ashamed of eating around others.

    This is the first time I am writing about this. Again, it is not to get attention. I am actually afraid of putting it out there, but I feel like I have to do it, because it is a part of the puzzle and part of the reason why I need this new log. Also, it might help people. Two weeks ago, it finally got to me that I am not alone with this and that I have to stop trying to "diet my way out" of disordered eating. I need a new approach.

    $ whatstheplan

    I've always been a perfectionist. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect employee, the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend. Perfect at fitness, perfect at dieting. I wanted the perfect body. I missed out on things in life, because I always thought "one day, when I have achieved XYZ, I will be happy". I was never happy here and now. I followed workout plans and diet plans. I thought "I can eat that when I've lost the weight" or "I can do that workout when I'm done with my current plan". This stops now.

    What I will no longer do:

    - Any strict 30/60/... day programs that keep me from doing what I love when I feel like doing it.
    - Any weekly / monthly / annual overviews of how many push-ups I did, how many steps I walked, how much weight I lost. These are just numbers - they don't say anything about me as a person and the situation I am in.

    What I will do instead:

    - More of the things I love! I love weight training, yoga and Aikido at the moment. It makes me feel amazing. This might change over time and I accept it.
    - Take breaks when I need them. The missing piece of the puzzle I found in the past weeks was exactly that - I always pushed myself. I always thought I had to do XYZ no matter what. I don't. Being kind to myself and healing my relationship with myself starts with allowing myself to take a break when I'm tired.

    $ sidenotes

    Putting this out there is incredibly hard for me and I've changed this text over and over a million times. I don't want to offend anyone who is on a different journey. This is my journey, and I want to share it with you because it might help others who struggle or it might inspire people. If it doesn't, that's fine. I love the DAREBEE community and how we are all on our own journey, but still in this together and helping and cheering on each other.


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    Wehay! Sounds like a great plan look forward to this journey


      <3 you are brave, and you are stronger than your demons tell you you are. Hang in there.


        Here's some fun for you:


          we love you Twitchy and we believe in you!

          Thank you for sharing all this. It is very brave. I find it very moving. You will do this I'm sure.

          POWER TO YOU!

          More of what you love sounds like a great plan. (I know someone else here who could listen to this! I will try!)


            Und jedem Anfang wohnt ein Zauber inne.


              Thanks for sharing - I find the variety of people here on the hive fascinating., and even encouraging. And now for a great journey! Onwards!


                Good for you. And I think Darebee is way more than a workouts website. It's definitely a safe place for sharing. I wish I had an awesome saying about mental and physical wellness being tight together but I'm on the train tight now amd really had to share this


                  All the best on your way, we are here to cheer you up.

                  Thx for that honesty. It is hard, but it will get you further on your way!

                  So have fun with the things you love.


                    Sounds great, Twitchy!


                      Thanks for sharing! Sounds like a great plan!


                        Thank you for all the encouragement and kind words 'rin colinclean Noen PetiteSheWolf Amirsh HellYeah80 Kanary BusyBumbleBee This community and the support among bees is really amazing!


                          Wednesday, 28 November

                          Today, I'm meeting my mom. It is a bit difficult with my current self-acceptance journey. I come from a family with a lot of judgment about outer appearance and weight. My mom spent all her life hating her body and I cannot name a diet that she hasn't tried. My dad is a sports enthusiast who gains and loses weight all the time (sometimes through drastic measures such as skipping lunch, then cycling 100k) and always criticized my mom and his kids. I've been a chubby teenager and I remember myself standing up from the dinner table and him saying to my mom, so loud that he must have known I would hear it, "Her butt is quite huge". Also, whenever my mom sees me, the second thing she says, after "Hi, how was your trip?", will always be something about the way I look, like "Oh, you lost / gained weight", or "Why didn't you put make-up on?" (I haven't done that in years) or "Don't you think that jacket is too tight?". I hate it when I know I will meet her in a minute and she will be looking at me and judging me. In the past, I would always try and lose some weight before I see my parents (also, because my mom, while starving herself with stupid diet shakes or the new vegetables-only-bullsh*t-diet, will feed everyone else and not accept "No thanks, I'm full" as an answer). Even today, I have a stupid hair appointment before we meet, so she doesn't see my messy growing hair. I am not looking forward to next year when I'm getting married, because the hubby and I decided to not wear any formal clothes, but the clothes we love, and this will include sneakers and our jeans jackets with patches of the bands we love and I really want to dye my hair pink again for the occasion, but I know my mom will hate it and criticize me.

                          I don't know why I'm writing all this. I need to get it out of my head somehow. I'd love to convince my mom, someday somehow, that hating her body the way she does is a massive waste of time and energy and that I love her the way she is and if she could only love me the way I am and accept that people are different and it makes us unique and wonderful.

                          Something more cheerful and fitness-related: I'm following Adriene's yoga calendar whenever I can at the moment.

                          Monday, I did:

                          Tuesday, it was:

                          Aikido on Monday did not happen because sensei has a cold. My paycheck will be there on Friday, so I can sign the contract with the new gym so soon! But first, a spa day with a wonderful friend who will be here over the weekend


                            Hugs, your mom's attitude is downright painful for herself, but also for yourself. It is not easy to deal with parents's criticism... So there, kittens for you. And enjoy your friend and spa!


                              Sehr mutig, dass du das postest! Ich wünsche dir alles Gute mit deinen Zielen und das wir einen kleinen Beitrag leisten können