Trbrats training log...Ready to Get Rugged

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    I think DorothyMH has said everything there is to say

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      I only want to throw in the little notion that kids and teens pick up so many little things in their parents' relationship. If that isn't going well, kids often aren't happy, either. Most of the time, a hard and painful cut is also beneficial to the kids, even if it doesn't seem that way to adults. Enduring everything until your son turns 18 can backfire. DorothyMH said it with better words than I ever could.
      I'm no parent, but I was the kid and had to endure myself, because there never was a clean cut between my parents.
      Please think about yourself, also, and take good care of you. It might not feel like it for you, but you're doing great.

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        There will never be a 'perfect' moment, it will never come. It is mostly your fear trying to find excuses to not putting yourself at 'risk'. Do you know how your son feels about the situation? That your daughter advises you to leave, might be a sign that the kids do know what's going on. They experience it too.
        ​​​​​​
        keep strong, it's really brave you're sorting things out and trying to find your way in this all!

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            I swear you guys are the best.

            I am having a really hard time.

            Feeling ultra sensitive, in general,,,but it is affecting me at work. I work in the Business Office as an Accountant, and pay all the lovely bills that come into the institution. (well, not all, but its a lot). Things come up missing, and I get to do investigating(it bothers me a lot when something shows as not paid. I am good at digging, it gives me something to focus on directly) Anyways, I am getting off point, I asked a question to my supervisor and she gave me an answer, to which i said no, i have already looked there, but she kept going on about how that's where it should be...So here I am...I know I looked where she said, I know it wasn't there. But now I am doubting myself. I go to ask the Fiscal Manager and she informs me of where it is. I was right, it had been filed, I just couldn't remember where they filed it at.. And if my supervisor would've listened to me and just told me where the damn thing was put after the fiscal year was up it could've saved some frustration. It, in case you are wondering, is a log of orders put in. Now I am fuming. Because yet again someone didn't listen to what I was trying to say, and 2 they cut me off while I was trying to explain and tell them that I already looked, and 3 they doubted that I had even done my homework before coming to them. I HATE when people cut me off while I am talking. Like, I don't talk much, but when I do could you at least give me the curtesy of listening to what I am saying before you write me off? ( I will admit, I know I do this sometimes to people and I get mad at myself and apologize). I could actually end up going off on some unsuspecting person very easily right now.

            I lay awake at night feeling totally tense, heart thumbing, chest burning. Playing this damn cat and mouse game. I want access to his messages so badly, I want to see what he is telling this other woman. Like, what's his endgame here? I can only see messages she sends after he goes to sleep because they show on his lock screen(I am fortunate he doesn't know how to change the setting on his phone for that...). Which has given me plenty of ammo...but the deep seeded need to see more is causing me to get a bit reckless. I was checking his phone while he was awake, laying on the bed while I gave him a backrub(done to distract him from the phone)i saw she had messaged him and I wanted to read it so badly, but I was a little to far away to make it out. Now I am considering using his fingerprint to unlock his phone while he is sleeping. I laid there forever last night thinking about it. He's generally a heavy sleeper...I didn't do it though. I just don't understand why i can't stay mad. Why do I internalize that anger? If I got pissed, maybe I could actually do what I needed to do.

            I think about the how I am going to leave a lot. Do I call him out on the texts and tell him I'm done? That seems very confrontational and something he would get totally pissed off about. Do I tell put him straight on his version of the truth? HAHA yeah, right...that'll go over well...Do I tell him there is no trust here between us and we are both feeling lonely and are hurting and that we should move on...mmmmaaayyybbeeee...Do I remind him of all the shit that he has said or done that was fucked up? I have done this...and here i am still, because he just throws shit back, or tells me he's a piece of shit and yada yada, why are you still with me, blah, blah, blah. I have tried to leave him so many times i can't even count...tried and tried. I have read that 7 is supposed to be the magic number for people trying to leave a toxic relationship, but I think I have surpassed that number.(reasons listed above is why I had to reread and remind myself of what Dorothy said). Do I just pack up and leave without saying a word? Leave him a letter or a text...Everything I read says this is what i should do...but idk. I think this could send him over the edge. In his mind he is trying. He thinks he is doing what I want him to do. He is 'trying to control my anger' he is 'not talking about my feelings, because when I do, that causes problems, right?' He always make sure to ask a question to show that i am agreeing to what he is saying...It usually doesn't do any good to disagree.

            All I know is I can't keep doing this. I am tired of being afraid. I sound like a broken record

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                ”Do I just pack up and leave without saying a word? Leave him a letter or a text...Everything I read says this is what i should do”—

                Yes, this is what you do. I did it this way. The third time, I walked out with the kid while he was still talking at me, waving my note at me. Don’t look back, don’t stop to listen, and don’t argue. You’re wasting air time. You can do this. For your own sake and the sake of your son. Talk to your SON if you need to talk. But, not the other guy. It’s not worth it any more.

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                  i really wish there would be a way to make things better for you, im sorry but all i can give is my toughts and best wishes to you. you will get trough this

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                    Everything you say, he won't understand, and he will use it to manipulate you, so don't bother. Try to say close to your heart, don't let him in your mind.

                    Stay strong!

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                        I'm the divorced mom of a little boy, he was three at the time of the breakup. The logistics and the money are the hardest parts but everything works out eventually. Hugs and the best of luck to you.

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                          Reading Mamatigerj gratitude's and victories posts makes me realize maybe I should look at my own little victories and gratitude

                          Gratitude:
                          All of the support I am getting from the hive, my family and friends.
                          My dogs

                          Victories:
                          Opened a checking account, and set up direct deposit for a small amount of my paycheck to go in there.
                          Got my daughters car in her name so no more threats from him about taking it. We went yesterday for the final part of getting the title and registration in her name. BIG WIN
                          I have a plan to get my car payments down and can implement that at any given time. This also means his name will not be on the new loan, so he has no control.
                          Started packing, gave my daughter some of my stuff yesterday so he doesn't see a bunch of stuff laying around, or stowed away in my car or the garage. (I hope he doesnt go through my drawers and see how empty they are!!)
                          Despite my diminished mental status, I still walk my dogs everyday (usually 2 or 3 times) and make a point to appreciate the beauty of nature.

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                            I have real difficulty with the victories in particular. I tend to focus very much on how much i fall short on a daily basis. Posting them here every day has been very good for me even though it is a struggle.

                            You are in my thoughts and prayers.
                            Click image for larger version  Name:	131142-You-re-Braver-Than-You-Believe.jpg Views:	0 Size:	111.5 KB ID:	808226

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                              It reads like you're building momentum, keep going and you'll make it. If you're afraid of confrontation, don't hesitate on leaving with a letter. I think Dorothy has the right opinion and it seems like the best plan.
                              All my best wishes, I'm keeping my fingers crossed like there's no tomorrow.

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                                Your strength shines through every one of your posts. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

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