Addiction - all kinds, how to transfer them/get balance

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    Addiction - all kinds, how to transfer them/get balance

    Hello,

    i found this website somehow on the interwebz. was in the mood to change something in my life, but as some of you know, getting started and keep going is a whole different action as have the mindset, something is wrong and has to change.

    quick start, im a bit smart, cannot be motivated on the long, dont keep track of longterm goals and didnt archieved anything so far. if i archieved something it went band and had negative side effects.

    tl;dr:
    How did you managed to get balance addictive behavior on short/middle/longterm to change/start something healthy for your existence? or managed to scrap those addictionshifting and broke the devils circle?

    full story, im cutting out details to not waste so much reading time.

    when i was in the kindergarten and before, i was slim, best friend back then had weight problems before i had them. went to elementary, then the suffering started somehow. was bullied etc. bad things happened, went into playing computergames and got my rewarding of them. (i like to play counter-strike/competitive games - because i saw ppl get rewarded for it on tv like esl/eps/cpl/wcg etc.). was 1999/2000. have my own pc and isolated me of the world because i had many problems back then, headteacher blamed me for bulliying/voilence but after 2-3 years they all realized im the victim and things went better for the last half year in elementary.
    when i was 6-7 my weight was about 40kg and was getting more and more over that period, if i remember correctly, it was 60(?) after elemntary and went on and on and wasn't forced/was under overwatch of my parents etc.
    when i hit puberty i grown more and the shapes went better, but started to getting strechmarks etc. and when i was 14/15/16 my weight zone was above 110kg, i think 140kg maybe 150kg even. was kind of addicted to games and when i had my own internet connection it benefited my addiction in computergames. lived online and didnt made any realworld activities except for drinking with friends.
    after i went into 11th class(im from germany, 1-13 for highest graduation in schoolsystem - then university/bachelor starting) i was really fat in that case. somehow i managed to get a girlfriend and i went into cannabis addiction, smoked daily/often, and after the breakup i slipped into addiction without accepting/realising that problem because i had good marks and no real problems so far. somehow i had in mind smoking cannabis cured my computer addiction (in fact, addiction was transfered)
    because im kind of social akward/phobic my oral grades wasnt that good, but archieved good marks on exams. went into 12th class and repeated it, because my marks went down. on 2nd try my marks went better because i somehow managed to ignore my phobic behavior but didnt made a connection between my new (some of former class repeated too) classmates because they were much younger as me and didnt matured enough to be interested to do activities except from smoking cannabis. started to smoke cigarettes on regular. after recieving my driver license i started to transported a drug dealer of my friends to get more cannabis etc. sometimes grabbing packages with him or just driving to a brothel or giving him a lift backhome when he was wasted etc. had in mind cannabis/drugs were okay, somehow i forgot about my social insecurity, lost about 30kg without doing diet/workout, was accepted more in those groups etc.
    after graduating, i went to university and tried to study. went horrible wrong. because in germany, some courses doenst requirymandatory attendance, i stayed at home, played videogames, smoked weed etc. didnt paid attention to important things in life like future, professional level, plans etc. lived in my daydream and enjoyed it because of drugs. (drugs stealing the luck/happiness of your future - happiness on credit).
    because my parents arent intersted in me or my friends or whatever i stucked in that rythem for 2 years and then things went really bad. our dog was euthanized (14years old shepard) and two weeks later i had in mind our cat would be euthanized too (was a streetcat - we adopted her, because we were kids and were sad because she had no family etc. and spended time with me when i was sad etc. - she was older, noone knew how old she was, maybe 18 years?) i went apeshit was took drugs because i was sad, thought drugs would give relief etc. and then i hit the first drug induced psychosis - went to hospital etc. was given medication etc. antipsychotics/antidepressents but didnt drug therapy. i cancled the threatment (because i gained alot of weight again)and went to start smoking weed again, started drinking alcohol for a period often (stopped after some weeks - seen alot of alcoholics in hospital and gives me shivers) didnt gave attention to my problems and things repeated again, this time i went to younger/more proffesional psychiatrist that were up2date with things. (after the first episode i read every article/info on psychosis/schizophrenia/antipsychotics) and they were fine with cancaling medication and go on. i started cardiotraining on regular, kept sleeping shedules and kind of was on the way to a better life. done a intership as carpenter at a friends small company for a month, tried to eat wealthy and to loose weight again, wasn't possible of medication (antipsychotics and ssri antidepressent transformed to a binge eater and destroyed my metabolism). i managed to put me on shedule for some time, but somehow i was lost again in meaninglessness but managed to keep clean and went into computer games again and food and cigarettes etc.
    last year i was offered to work as a unskilled worker at a other friends company in metal constructions. in that period i cancelled the medication with my psychiatrist allowance and lost a bit weight just by drinking 5liters of water and bread, after 1-2 weeks i ordered on regular two bigsized bacon burgers because i was that hungry, woke up in the night and ate more because i was hungry etc. after medication was canceled i managed to lose some more weight (was at highest 144kg i think) went down to 130kg and stopped there. but after christmas i was jobless and didnt cared about my future somehow because im still stuck in the loop of addiction(shifts) smoked more cigarettes and ate more etc.

    i realized ive to change alot and get onto tracks of life to survive.

    regards

    #2
    Welcome to The Hive. I hope someone can give you some helpful advice.

    Comment


      #3
      I am sorry to hear that you went through hard times and that you are still struggling. But I think you are at the right place. The people here at Darebee are so supportive, no matter what kind of problem you have. I am from Germany too. One step could be to talk to your doctor and maybe a counselling centre. But I know that it is hard to take that step. In the meantime, stay here with us, feel welcome here and write/ask what is important for you. Read what others have written. And the most important thing: Start small. Choose one small challenge. Set small goals for your life. And from my personal experience: Try Meditation.
      So: Welcome to Darebee, we are glad that you are here!

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