I hate my brain. Warning: ED trigger warning

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  • Nevetharine
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    Damer thanks for that. It makes so much sense. But I have to admit, it's hard to fight with myself so much. And anyone who's followed my check-in has seen the amount of times I've 'failed'. But each time, I guess out of habit now, I just try again.

    I guess trying again, over and over again, is actually a good habit.

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  • Damer
    replied
    Nevetharine I truly feel for what you said. I will share something different which is exactly the same. I used to compete nationally and, sometimes, internationally and was training with the national squad. We had coaches, and psychologists at hand as part of our prep in the squad. Before each fight, at the competition, before we got started and after months and months and months of preparation we had to deal with the monologue inside our head that said: "You're not strong enough, you're not fast enough, other competitors are better. This is too big a venue. You're going to lose in front of a crowd. What are you even doing here anyway?" All of us. The point is, as it was explained to us in detail, we know exactly how we feel because we live inside our skin. To us that is the only intimate reality we have. We know all our weaknesses. We know all our possible points of failure. If we listened to that monologue that knows us inside out, it would destroy us. So, we each taught ourselves to project a front: "I have trained hard for this. I have a right to be here. Right now I am an invulnerable machine. I can defeat anything and anyone." We didn't always end up with a win (obviously ) but we stopped getting in our own way and everything became a little easier and a lot more enjoyable.

    You didn't fall into your brain's trap. You took a measure of yourself and your goals and notched up a victory.

    The monologue is a survival mechanism that allowed us to come out of the ancient past and get to the here and now. Admittedly we don't face life-and-death situations every day now, but the mechanism is still there, projecting all the negativity. We need to accept it as past of who we each are and then move forward with our goals. True warriors are never perfect, but they are, as you pointed out, consistent in their striving.

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  • noname
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  • Sundance
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  • Manuela
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    Sometimes I hate my brain too, but we have had nice time together too. Kudos to you for going past your crisis without surrendering to bad coping mechanisms!

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  • PetiteSheWolf
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    Hugs...

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  • HellYeah
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  • Nevetharine
    started a topic I hate my brain. Warning: ED trigger warning

    I hate my brain. Warning: ED trigger warning

    I had an disordered eating moment last night. I was going to snack on some chips. Then my husband touched my stomach and my brain just went like, "You're too fat to be allowed to eat. There are starving children. Shame on you."

    I went to bed crying with my husband being annoyed because I couldn't tell him what's wrong.

    I woke up thinking I hate food and I wish every morsel of it would just disappear off the face of the earth. Still teary. I had planned to fast. To just quit eating altogether.

    But I know where that goes.

    So I breathed. And told myself, consistency is better than intensity.

    In short, I hate my brain.
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