Just a rough night

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    Just a rough night

    My partner and I have been together for a few years, and friends before that. We've supported each other through difficult divorces and other issues life has thrown at us. His divorce lately has been difficult as he and his ex spouse own a business together and she's leaving the country to go to her home country. It's put a lot of stress on our relationship at times, and like many people, he uses alcohol to cope, not always in the healthiest manner. In the beginning it was easy to tolerate how Moody and emotional he is when he drinks, and other times its very difficult and he can become borderline verbally abusive. I usually clam up and try not to say much when he gets like this as there's no sense in reasoning with someone who doesn't have a clear head. It all started today over some slight miscommunication but I think it all came to a head because his anger with his ex wife is never directed at her since that often does not end well - I feel like especially now when he drinks and we've had some otherwise minor disagreement during the day it comes back up x1000 - I know it's all normal but since I don't drink, and I am always 100% sober during these alterations I walk away feeling hurt and frustrated. That's how I feel tonight. Everything was supposed to be so nice and so wonderful and it's almost like a monster takes over and it turns into a complete disaster. I don't want to leave or anything like that, I know it's temporary and I'm sure we can talk through and work through some of it, it's just been very tiring lately. Thank you all for listening.

    #2
    Stay strong

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      #3
      I hear you - stay strong!

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        #4
        At a time when you are both calm, try to talk to him about how you feel when these things happen.
        Often we don't understand because we don't talk enough and maybe together we can find a way to improve the situation.

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          #5
          I agree with Fremen - you should probably take the time to talk it through when you are both calm and sober.

          Assuming that heavy drinking is a "normal" way to cope with stress and that being abusive when drunk is also "normal" is one way of looking at things, I guess.

          But stating that this abuse is hurting you and your relationship, and that there might be better, healthier ways to cope with stress than drinking, will probably benefit you both in the long run. Those things can have a nasty tendency to deteriorate, unfortunately.

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            #6
            Relationships are hard even when alcohol isn’t involved. If he’s having trouble expressing his anger in productive ways then he may need to seek help from a professional. Good luck. Make sure you are respected at all times.

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              #7
              Thanks everyone - we'll see what happens later today, hopefully we get a chance to talk.

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                #8
                Write him a letter/card about your feelings.

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                  #9
                  thinman - thanks for the idea

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                    #10
                    I don't think him numbing his stress with alcohol is okay either. This situation doesn't seem to be healthy for either of you. I don't want to say more because alcoholism had (and has) a major role in my close family's story, so my view on this matter might be more negative than it should be, and I don't want to scare you for no reason. But I do think that this is a problem you should definitely confront instead of just enduring it.

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                      #11
                      Mianevem - thank you for your perspective too - I'm not sure I would classify it as alcoholism - I think for him this whole process has caused a lot of stress and sometimes it comes out the wrong way at the wrong person. We have talked about some of the issues today with much clearer heads, I think something it's easy for both of us to forget is how many scars other people have left from past relationships and how easy it is to allow someone new to have a chance. I agree though that alcohol rarely if ever makes any situation better - I don't drink often (if ever) because of a slight allergy (my skin flushes and I have sinus issues). It's worth it too to remember the times we've both needed grace and he's needed a lot more of it lately, I'm sure I had my moments through my own divorce a few years ago and through other issues too. Thank you for your advice.

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                        #12
                        I'm glad you two were able to talk about it. I wish you all the best!

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