Well, shit

Hey, I just discovered this forum and I have to say this has got to be one of the worst 'bad days" I can imagine. Absolutely devastating. How're you doing in the almost 2 weeks it's been since?

I just want to add my concern to all that's been said so eloquently here. Your health matters, your experience matters. We're listening, we care.

Hey, thanks. The last weeks were something special alright. It has been hard. I am basically jumping between moods daily. One day I can handle it all fine-ish (mostly the days I can disappear into my stage persona) but the next day everything is terrible and I can barely get out of bed or do anything but hide all sharp objects and ropey things. I kinda have a bad history with those... There are some small things I can do to keep me mostly stable but those won´t work forever. The music helps, but as soon as I am off the stage it gets worse. And honestly, the timing is terrible. I can´t concentrate on studying and if I dont get through the exams I can basicaly quit studying altogether, because my parents won´t pay for that forever.

The worst thing I noticed is that my personality started to change. When I am with other students or my flatmate (it´s only the one now because the other one has been admitted to a clinic for at least two months) I try to be like the "old me", mostly because they don´t know, I don´t really care about them and really don´t want to answer any stupid questions like "But is there nothing that can be done?" and "What are you going to do now?" and stuff like that. But as soon as I am alone again and I drop the mask shit just get´s worse. I was never really attached to people but now I am incredibly distant. I´ve started to grow more and more reckless because I barely care anymore about what might happen to me. I used to be scared and shy but right now I feel mostly spiteful towards the "normal" people. I envy their carefree lives, the fact that they don´t have to deal with the shit I have to. I started to turn to books and videogames and movies to escape my reality, mostly because those worlds don´t fell that bad.

The funny thing (well, "funny") is that I hate to be alone. Everybody always avoided me, even my parents betrayed me in those two weeks and I don´t have any real person to talk to. I don´t count you guys here as real because I don´t know you personally. You are all great human beings and such and it´s good to have a place to vent, but there is no one who could give me a supporting hug or stuff like that. And me being alone is actually my fault because I won´t get anybody close to me. Because the people I would let to get close are so important to me that I don´t want to hurt them, I don´t want them to feel the loss of me, I refuse to let them experience pain because they try to support me. I want to protect them and in my twisted mind that means pushing them away, even if that means that my emotional suffering gets worse. So I isolate myself...

Urch, I hate this. I hate getting all "feely", I hate being honest to myself, I hate admitting to weaknesses.


This is the third version of this post, it is the most coherent piece of my thoughts tonight...

Legolo This sounds horrible. Please allow yourself to talk to your important people. Sooner or later they will probably feel the loss anyway. And as someone who has once been pushed away by a loved one for then unexplained reasons, that years later turned out to have been some bad stuff, I can tell you that living the truth would have been much less harmful for me. There is something healing in being able to be there for someone. But pushing your important people away means hurting them and yourself. If they are this close to you, they will likely sense that something isn't right anyway. Going through this dark phase together will most likely help all of you.
Hugs and love

Sorry to tell you this Legolo but by pushing people that care for you away you will not spare them any pain, you will hurt them even more than if you let them be there for you.
You can't spare anyone the grief about what is going to happen either way, no matter what you do.
But you have the choice if you will let people love you and be there for you or not. Don't you think they'll feel better when they know they spent the time that is left together with you in a meaningful way instead of being banned to the sidelines not knowing what is going on or why you are shutting them out? Letting people love you takes courage because you'll have to open up and make yourself vulnerable but if it's the right people it's totally woth it...

It's hard to know what to say form over here - and I can imagine how hard it is for you to find words to describe the huge range of emotions you're experiencing.

Legolo I agree with other people here let the people in who love and care for you as that will help you such a high way we are also here for you

Andy

Hey, who would have thought that things could actually get worse? Today a clinic from Heidelberg called. Those guys were basically my last hope. Every oncologist I went to said that if anybody could save me those guys were the right guys. As it turns out, nope. Those guys are absolutely useless in my case. I managed to stay cool until some hours ago, which got more difficult by the hour since my flatmates friends were here. And the woman I really fancy turned up too, which made shit even more complicated. Since I am a fucking coward she has no idea how I feel about her. Dammit, I hate myself. A lot. Because I am already a complete wreck I cracked. I just sat there in our kitchen, everybody was happy and smiling and shit and something inside me just broke. So I went to my room with an expression that the others described as a mix of rage and despair and started hitting my wall, because I just didn´t know what else to do. I am really drunk right now which might explain why I fell so completely helpless and useless. And my hands are swollen and bleeding. Writing is pain, speaking is pain because I am incapable of talking without flapping my hands about. Existence is pain.

After the attack on my wall I went to the balcony, because it is quiet there. And my flatmate is always incredibly loud. I actually believe that a full out invasion by the american forces to steal oil and stuff is quieter than he is... So anyway I stood there on the balcony and my flatmate and my special woman turned up. And I just broke down. I confessed to all the shit that has been happening and my flatmate has been bothering me ever since. So much for telling people how you feel because it would make your life easier. On the other hand, she took that kinda well, I guess. I was always terrible with emotions and stuff...

So, I am drunk, basically dead and my hands look terrible. Goddammit, I have no idea what I am doing here. I´ll try to get to a shrink next week, because I can´t handle that shit on my own. I have always been kinda tough about emotional stuff but I can´t deal with all this...

And it get´s worse! After writing this I got back to the kitchen and my flatmate was making out with her. And he knew well about my feelings for her. This is the second time he has done this. I am really angry and kinda want to murder him, but on the other hand I just can´t hurt him because after three beers his brain shuts down and he is about as smart as a mentally challenged rock.

I can´t take this anymore...

Legolo Yes, get help, now!
But be aware a psychiatrist will only be able to help when you are prepared to open up, also they cannot magically make all these feelings go away or something… I keep my fingers crossed you find a way of dealing with this that doesn‘t involve hitting walls...

Legolo Well....shit. I feel for you, my brother. I really do. Your flatmate is a jackass. Sorry everybody about the name-calling, but I feel it's justified in this case. If there was anything I could do, bro, I would. I don't know how many people have told you that, but I mean it. I understand....no, I know the difficulty of opening up. I've never been good at opening up either. I've always been met with rejection or assuming I know what girls are going to say if I tell them I like them. I recently talked to a female friend about our friendship and it seems to have gone sideways, which sucks a lot, because I have to work with her and watch her have the same fun working relationship with our boss that she and I used to have and she doesn't make an effort to talk to me as often if it's not something work related. I've always kept people at a distance and have trouble trusting people too. So, I feel ya.

Talking with a shrink for the first time will be awkward, because you don't know the person. Some of them may not be so good, but others will be. But at least you would have a physical person to listen to you. And it's good that you have reached a point where you're realizing you need help with this because this is a monster of a situation. It can be hard to ask for help, especially for folks like us. I truly hope the shrink works out and that he/she is able to help you, even if it's just to listen and give you some encouragement.

Legolo Add me to the list of people who are here to listen and care. I'm so sorry it went badly with your flatmate. Glad to hear you will be reaching out to a professional though. My therapist has supported me through some of the worst times of my life, helped me deal with unhealthy reactions from myself and other people, and maybe most importantly, recognized my courage for seeking help, facing painful truths, and trying to grow. I wish the same for you. Though you may not be able to see it right now, I can see this devastating situation is highlighting your courage and desire to make the most of your time. Don't give up on yourself. We believe in you.

BusyBumbleBee Brontus Encourager Thanks for answering. Feels good not to feel like talking to a wall.

How are you doing, Legolo? I know many of us have been thinking about you.

As Encourager said!

Sorry I forgot about you guys for a week. Been holding it together so far. It really sucks to go through the whole "grief" cycle again. It was way easier to shake it off when the diagnosis was just an assumption and there was still hope for treatment. Kept myself busy to distract myself and it is working most of the time. Of course there are still bad days and I would be really worried about my mental health if there were none.

But the worst days are getting less frequent. Suppose that is good.