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    Congrats on the salad challenge!

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      Congrats on the salad a day challenge.
      Even if it’s *just* most days, it’s better than before, I’ll bet

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        Congrats on a Salad a day!

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          Louve rose JCU Fremen sunpetal NancyTree DorothyMH Baryl - thank you! Happiness is only real when shared and I'm continuously grateful I found this place. (:

          Workout:
          Core Control (19/30).
          Touch Your Toes Challenge (12/30).
          Posture Challenge (6/30).
          Walked with a friend - 2.62 km.

          Push-Ups
          Wall Push Up Challenge (6/30). Did additional incline push-ups.Total count: 50.

          Meditation
          50 days of 5-minute meditation (9/50).

          Me 2.0
          Woke up @9.00 am
          Counting Victories Challenge (1/30) - I started with a project I've been procrastinating on. People say that starting is the hardest part, but everything will be the hardest part until I get the snowball rolling. I started though. (:
          Read 3 poems. Finished my first poetry book. 2 more and I'll reach my first reading goal. Oh, I was reading My Mother Knows what Happens in the Citiesby Radmila Petrović. It was in Serbian. I thought it was nice, she's a young and thoughtful poet so I have nothing but respect for her.

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            Congrats on the salad challenge!

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              Congrats on the book! Good luck with the next two!

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                Anek JCU - Thank you! (:

                Workout:
                Core Control (20/30).
                Touch Your Toes Challenge (13/30).
                Posture Challenge (7/30).

                Push-Ups
                Wall Push Up Challenge (7/30). Did additional incline push-ups.Total count: 70.

                Meditation
                50 days of 5-minute meditation (10/50).

                Me 2.0
                Woke up @8.05am
                Counting Victories Challenge (2/30) - Did Touch Your Toes just now even though I've been avoiding it for the whole day. I also cleaned the bathroom.

                Alright guys, I'm going to vacay tomorrow, I'll be talking to you in a couple of days! (:

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                  Oh yeah, I also started reading Adam Kay's This is Going to Hurt and collected poems by Emily Dickinson. (:

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                    Vacation! Have a great time!

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                      Have a good vacation!

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                        Enjoy!

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                          Belated Congrats on the Salad Challenge! Enjoy your vacation!

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                            TRIGGER WARNING: MENTAL HEALTH; SCHIZOPHRENIA; SUICIDE; DEATH.

                            Please, don't read this if you're triggered by stories of suicide, if you're in a fragile state, or have any other mental health problems. Seek help, take care and try finding comfort in your loved ones.



                            I need to get this off my chest, I didn't want to spam other Chat parts of the forum. It's an event in my life and I need it to reside on my thread in case I don't decide to delete this. I guess I need to formulate this in writing, and I think I need to share this with people.

                            Yesterday, when I got back home, I was informed that my old auntie died by suicide on Friday. She was my grandma's younger sister and they've been living together since my grandpa died in 2014. The funeral is tomorrow. As you can imagine, we are all devastated I've been having ups and downs, which is a normal process of grieving. I just need time. We all do.

                            But I would like to take this opportunity and talk about something else. I would like to talk about the stigma that's still very much present when it comes to suicide. You can see that I used the phrase died by and not committed. The reason for all of this, for my mind racing to this place is that throughout the past year I've met quite a lot of people who misunderstand what it means to die by suicide. They were saying that people who "commit" suicide are selfish, that for people who try hurting themselves but don't really do it all the way can't be that bad, etc... I don't think that these people I've met are bad people, I think that they lack the understanding and education around mental health issues. I tried to talk to as many as I could about that and I'm not sure if I changed any of their minds but I told them about my old auntie, who by then had survived two suicide attempts.

                            My auntie had an illness. It's just that the organ that was most affected was her brain. She's been battling with schizophrenia for a long time, since a young(er-ish) age. I know she was hospitalized when she was younger but my family didn't tell me more details (it's so weird that mental illnesses are sort of stigmatized in my family as well even though a lot of our extended and close family members have experienced or still struggle with some version of mental illness). And then she got better. She lived a good life, she was taking her meds, she was hanging out with her friends and with the rest of the family members. She had ups and downs and with older age, her downs would get more frequent and more severe, sometimes they happened on their own and sometimes she just stopped taking her meds. By downs, I mean periods of paranoia, psychosis, sometimes she experienced hallucinations. Then the family helped her and she got better. She was mostly ok for the better part of her life when she was spending time with my grandma. They were spending time at her place or at my grandma's or at their older sister's place. They would visit family in Germany, stuff like that.
                            Three years ago her situation got worse, but we could handle her. She moved to our city and stayed with my grandma. A year later, her situation got rapidly even worse. She started having severe paranoia and she was scared out of her mind because she was absolutely convinced that someone was coming to harm her. Our family was taking turns sleeping at my grandma's place or taking her in. At night she would walk around to check that there were no intruders, so we had to convince her to go back to sleep. At this point, it also became more apparent that she was also showing signs of Alzheimer's. Sometimes she would just sit and stare and tune out. That year she had her first suicide attempt. I cannot stress enough how bad it must've been for her, to be so scared and to feel so helpless. She also had trouble walking, because she was old (late 87 at this point). Having seen her go through this pains me still. I can't imagine what it must've been like for her but I know that she must've suffered immensely at that time. I saw her at the intensive care in the hospital and I saw that she didn't want to live anymore. I saw that she was fading.
                            Then, she went to the closed section of the psychiatric clinic (which is actually very nicely managed and it's a nice and safe place), where we would visit her. She told us that she felt safe there and she slowly got better. She started being more present and she was able to follow the progression of our lives. She knew that I was due to go work on a cruise ship in December and she was so excited for me. The doctors told us that she's fit for a homestay. By December that year, she was back at my grandma's and then I went away for a full year.
                            When I was on board I knew that she had her moments but she was mostly functional. Then she had her second suicide attempt. I just got information as stuff happened, I know that she was hospitalized and sent back home asap because of the COVID outbreak. They didn't want to risk it. We were also considering taking her to a nursing home or something but we wanted the pandemic to pass. Both, my grandma and my auntie were very afraid of COVID, which is normal because both are very old. They barely left the house, they would only sometimes take walks with family members around the block and quickly go back up. You can imagine what being inside all the time was like for their mental and physical health (we all had the collective experience), but I must say that for their age they managed it pretty well. This is what I was telling them. That I know that my auntie had an illness but she was a good woman. She was also deeply religious and suicide is a huge no-no, so you know it must've been an extreme situation for her on her both attempts. Not once has it crossed my mind that she didn't love me or that she was selfish or whatever. I still feel the same, even though at the moment of writing this, she's not here anymore. She just needed help and she wanted to end her suffering. No one can know exactly what goes through a person's mind. Unfortunately, our scientific understanding of the brain and mental illnesses is also pretty limited so there's only so much you can do.

                            I came back home in December, and I saw her for Christmas. We almost canceled due to the outbreak but we all got tested on the 24th and we were all negative. I saw that she wasn't well. She's been worse, though. Then, slowly, she started getting better. A lot better. She and grandma got vaccinated. Since the weather got warmer in March we started taking them on walks 3x/week. They didn't always want to go but every time they went, they were super glad they did. She understood what I was doing, she knew I've started working on a project and was always asking me how it was going. She knew I got really into hiking and told me stories of how she used to hike when she was younger. She needed help walking, taking stairs and so, but she made progress and we were all so happy. She attended both of our celebration parties last week with no problem. She looked better. My sister saw her on Wednesday and she asked my sister for a favor, which could indicate, that she had some plans for the future. She was 89 years old when she died.

                            I don't know what was going through her head on Friday morning. No one can. I know she must've been very scared or/and in a lot of pain. Or maybe she was in total psychosis. I know that whatever it was, she really needed it to end. That's the part that pains me the most. No one could've known and there's very little anyone could've done. Grandma says she heard her walking around in the morning but she thought she was just going to the bathroom and she fell back asleep. I also feel so sorry for grandma. She lost her younger sister. They've spent so much time together. I try looking at this from the point that my auntie doesn't have to go through any more episodes. No more suffering, no more hallucinations. She's at peace now, and, honestly, for that part, I am glad relieved, really. I don't see any difference between a person's extreme physical or mental suffering. I remember when grandpa died, he was suffering from a tumor and I was also feeling relieved that his pain ended. But he died peacefully in his bed. It's just so hard coming to terms with what happened. I went to grandma's place today (I got tested when I got back, even though I'm vaccinated, just to be on the safe side) and it was completely surreal. I miss her and I really wanted her to see my project because she was so excited for me. I know that she loved all of us, she was a good woman. She actually lived a pretty adventurous life in her younger years, she was traveling a lot and she liked to joke around. She was kind, sweet, and caring. Even though she never had her own kids, she treated all of us like we were hers. That's how she'll be remembered.

                            So yeah, I'll probably be taking some time off everything. Maybe I'll seek comfort in fitness, I took a walk today and it was nice but I don't think I'll be posting for at least a couple of days. I'll be alright, you don't have to worry about me or anything. I have support from my close friends and family. The whole family stepped together, our first priority now is to take care of grandma and make sure that she's not alone, or alone as little as possible. I know that this community is very understanding and I really appreciate that mental health awareness plays a huge role. I don't know when I'll be ready to get back and what my next steps will be. I need to process this, I need to mourn and I'm not sure what I need and that's okay too. I'll be alright.

                            But please, please. If you have a chance to talk to someone who has misconceptions about this, please talk to them if you can. This is such a misunderstood taboo and I can't stop thinking about it. Take care and be kind. I'll see you around.

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                              Condolences to your family and take care of yourself.

                              Despite its tragic nature, it is a great post, one that everyone should read

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                                You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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