I'm in the middle of writing right now, so I'm posting now because, after this, it's bed. I'm trying to be quick.

Didn't do Burpees either today. My glutes are killing me. I was planning to do them without the jump, but I ended up going out on the afternoon, and once I came home... I didn't even want to bother.

But I did do the night routine!

January 5th, 2022
Kickboxing: Day 49

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Morning Routine;
The Right Side + 10 Decline Push-ups
Sól Salutation - LVL I +EC
Daily Dare: 40 Bridges +EC
Count: 619 - 615 +EC

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Night Routine:
Mani Salutation - 5 Sets
Five Rites
Virasana + Prayer
​ Daily Gratitude
Counting Victories
Get to Bed on Time
101 adorations for Freya for 101 days (74/101)
42 adorations for Baldr for 42 days (5/42)
42 adorations for Nanna for 42 days (5/42)
42 adorations for Hodr for 42 days (5/42)

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Workouts:
100 Burpees +EC
Fireheart: Day 4 - LVL III +30 seconds rest

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Challenges:
Balance: Day 5 +Vrksasana / Advanced Hold

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Writing progress:
Nifty 350
Furious 500
Nightcap 200
Reading: Sourcery - 42%

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Art progress:
Nothing today

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Music:
Nothing today

---

Others:
No math
HTML and Java still suspended until further notice

Six days into the year and I already had a bad day, and an even worse night. 50% of it is my fault too.

Well, that's a new record. Almost a week without being screwed over by others...

I'm... not in the mood, honestly. Quite frankly, I had a relapse. But I didn't hurt myself badly this time. It was just a small bump on the head, but I did it on purpose.

I didn't know it was gender dysphoria forcing me to do that, until I relapsed. I was having a hard conversation beforehand, and I didn't leave things on good terms. I just... never thought that me, being trans, was a huge part of it until now.

I killed the Five Rites, I'm... not in the mood. The Internet went off on the afternoon due to a powercut, then there was a Christian rite in which I was forced to get holy water on my forehead... and the Christian rite is not what upsets me, whatever they do it's up to them. It's me being forced into it. Of course, you could say "oh, Sólveig, but you have a mouth, right?" Yeah, like saying "no" works for them. If I live here, I must have the holy water on my forehead. Their God did nothing for me. I don't believe in them anymore, and I would love for them to stop including me into their crap.

I didn't write at all today. My mind has been busy with all these things... I didn't even read when I could have. Again, my mind... I couldn't focus. I couldn't do anything at all...

I just want to talk things out... to carry out that conversation. I don't care about the outcome, all I care is about finding a resolution to it.

January 6th, 2022
Kickboxing: Day 49

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Morning Routine;
The Right Side + 10 Decline Push-ups
Sól Salutation - LVL I +EC
Daily Dare: 50 Knee-to-elbows +EC
Count: 620 - 616 +EC

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Night Routine:
Mani Salutation - 5 Sets
Five Rites
Virasana + Prayer
​ Daily Gratitude
Counting Victories
Get to Bed on Time
101 adorations for Freya for 101 days (75/101)
42 adorations for Baldr for 42 days (6/42)
42 adorations for Nanna for 42 days (6/42)
42 adorations for Hodr for 42 days (6/42)

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Workouts:
100 Burpees +EC:
80 Basic Burpees
20 Full Burpees
Fireheart: Day 6 - LVL III +Megaset
WoD: Clean Slate - LVL III +Megaset

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Challenges:
Balance: Day 6

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Writing progress:
Nifty 350
Furious 500
Nightcap 200
Reading: Sourcery - 42%

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Art progress:
Nothing today

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Music:
Nothing today

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Others:
No math
HTML and Java still suspended until further notice

I should give up and come to the terms that I'm destined to never get what I want. Even though the fight was over, I'm still feeling defeated, and I'm overwhelmed by thoughts that, even when I was doing yoga, did not go away. I almost missed the night routine because of it.

I feel like there's no point on keep going on, despite everything that I've done. It feels like it was all for nothing. Maybe I should just quit everything and keep going with the predestined path and keep going on with the life I was predestined before I went out of my rails. It's a sad life, but there isn't any of this suffering. There isn't any more sacrifices done in vain.

I hate it. I don't want to go back to it, and yet, I feel like I should. I feel like I should just give up on my stupid dreams and live the way I was supposed to live, because I was born this way, and because there's nothing waiting for me beyond this walls.

I think I've lost it all. And I can't make my mind to keep quiet for a second. I should just... cut my hair, quit transitioning, and live as a man... A christian man who at least tried to find happiness...

The thought of that makes me shudder. I don't want to go back to that, but the way things are going... The way on how nothing moved on the last years, and how I'm losing more than I'm winning... how I am not getting anything that I want...

I guess everyone else can get what they want, but me, I don't. I am not lucky enough to have all of that.

I didn't change at all. I'm still the shallow man I was. And I've hurt someone dear to me because of it. And even though everything is forgiven, the shallow man refuses to die.

The worst part is that's the only thing from my old life that I don't want to kill...

I don't want to be clear with all of this because I know I'm going to be judged. I'm not perfect. I never claimed I was. I always said I'm a dumbass. And that is never going to change, because I don't want it to change.

Screw everything. Screw it! I'm just going to keep the log because of habit. At least I tried.

January 7th, 2022
Kickboxing: Day 50

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Morning Routine;
The Right Side + 10 Decline Push-ups
Sól Salutation - LVL I +EC
Daily Dare: 40 Reverse Lunges +EC
Count: 621 - 617 +EC

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Night Routine:
Mani Salutation - 5 Sets
Five Rites
Virasana + Prayer
​ Daily Gratitude
Counting Victories
Get to Bed on Time
101 adorations for Freya for 101 days (76/101)
42 adorations for Baldr for 42 days (7/42)
42 adorations for Nanna for 42 days (7/42)
42 adorations for Hodr for 42 days (7/42)

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Workouts:
100 Burpees +EC:
50 Basic Burpees
50 Basic Burpees
Fireheart: Day 7 - LVL III +1 min rest

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Challenges:
Balance: Day 7 +Vrksasana / Advanced Hold

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Writing progress:
Nifty 350
Furious 500
Nightcap 200
Reading: Sourcery - 42%

---

Art progress:
Nothing today

---

Music:
Nothing today

---

Others:
No math
HTML and Java still suspended until further notice

Your past will always be a part of you, and I think you shouldn't want to erase it, because it gives meaning to your process, your growth as a person.
Going back won't make life easier and won't make you feel happy, because that is not who you are, in your process you've outgrown the past version of you. Unless you don't feel that you are a woman, and the wish for transition has past from the inside, not the outside world. And yes, it is a really hard path, with judgement, with doubt, with struggles.
While I'm writing I am wondering if it truly has anything to do with transitioning? I read something about forced holy water; that has nothing to do with transitioning. That seems to me more about acceptance in general.

I don't understand everything you wrote, it feels like there's a whole history behind it where it refers to that I don't know of. So maybe the things I wrote don't make sense and totally are beside the mark.. But I hope you won't give up on yourself.



.

For many years I felt wrong, because I was not the way they wanted me and I had nothing to do with the environment and the people around me.
I was the wrong person in the wrong place and everything was working wrong.
It took me years to get out of it, more than twenty but I got out and realized that I wasn't wrong but that it was wrong to pretend to be who I am not and to do things in a way that didn't belong to me.
I still deal with my past but things work better, because life is mine and if I decide to do as others want or as I want I still pay for everything and then I decide for myself

I don't know if there is any point in going on, but I do know that if I don't, I'll never know. We keep going on because it's what we do, despite everything. You seem to me to be a strong person. I don't know whether that strength is from the part of you that is a woman, or the part of you that was a man; whether it's from your present or your past. It's all part of you, and you can't deny either part. All I can see is that it's going to keep you going, that strength, despite everything. None of us gets everything we want. Nobody. You are not special in that respect! But we all get something we want/need. It may be hard to recognise that, it might take time to find that important (possibly tiny) thing that you got, but if you look and think and feel, you'll find it. And remember too, that you have this forum, and you have us, and you have the ability to express how you feel, and though we can't be there to pick you up and dust you off, you can imagine we are.

I... don't know what was that I did last night. I think I was in the middle of a panic attack that made me write all of that, and I didn't get better until much later. I'm still dealing with things, but right now, everything is starting to settle down...

All I can say is that I do have a problem, and it isn't about me being transgender. I've already accepted it, despite the fact that it took me months to nail that into my head.

For what it's worth, I think I always knew I was born the wrong way. I can see it in many of my pictures from when I was a kid, and many attitudes and mannerism that were pretty natural for me, but my parents (especially my dad) always frowned upon. Then, the teenage years came, and everything fell apart. I'm not sure whether it was because of the bullying, or because my great grandmother put a wrong seed on my family that got me into many troubles, or the fact that I had to do what I had to do just to live another day, and that meant doing things that I regret just so the bullying and the abuse wouldn't stop. These were the days in which we moved out from the city, and I started being a victim of narcissistic abuse, something that still persists.

It wasn't until I was 22 when the penny finally dropped. I always knew there was something wrong with me. And on that summer, I knew it. And, like I said, it took me a while to accept it.

No, they are two completely different things. See, I've always had many things against christianity because I was born into it, and I didn't like that they frequently use fear and pity as a way to manipulate people into their numbers. I don't like the message that we are at fault of something that happened thousands of years ago, and still carry that around us just because we were born. That's why I left, because there wasn't anything at all for me. The christians here are also the major responsibles for the lack of LGBT+ rights in the country. Out of all the population of Venezuela, the protestants are always campaigning against the LGBT+ community since before the LGBT movement was even a thing, using always hatred as a tool. The catholics are divided. Followers from the catholic church either aren't fans of the LGBT+ people and just tolerate them until what the little patience they have allows them to, or are also actively against them. The authorities are passive aggressive about it, but don't go full inquisition on us. Besides, I've learned more one poem from the Poetic Edda (Hávamál) than the many books the Bible has.

But because I keep my pagan practices in secret, and because I live in a catholic neighborhood and household, I'm usually invited into things and I always reject them. But sometimes, I'm forced into it just for the fact that I live here. That just pisses me off.

Now that that's cleared up, I think the major panic attack was because I got into a fight, and even though we settled, I feel like I still didn't get what I wanted. Now, I don't want to push further into it, because then I would break apart from that person, and they are very dear to me. Thing is... the change was so big that I couldn't deal with it. Then, I got into the fight because of the toxic behaviors that I still drag with me, and I will probably keep dragging them for they are quite stubborn to leave me alone.

And yet, I can't help but obssess about it. If I'm not focused into something, then my thoughts start bouncing around, I get anxiety and... well, a panic attack.

You're right. I shouldn't be pretending to be someone I'm not either. I just don't know why I had to get the hardest part. My brothers got it easier than me. Way much easier.

But well, Venezuela in the 70s and the 80s wasn't as bad as the last 20 years. The 90s were fun. It's just the missed opportunities that I didn't took that upset me, mainly because they weren't in my power to take. I was too young, and I was still under my parents' grip. I didn't know that everything was going to go down the toilet within 20 years.

I think I needed to read this. Thank you.

I'm not sure where that strength comes from either. If it wasn't because of it, I would have died three years ago, or possibly more. I don't think that has anything to do with gender. Maybe it is the need of trying to make amends from what I've done, because seriously, I don't like that I had to do all of that just so the constant abuse would stop for, at least, one week or two... Being a teenager sucked so much, because of the bullying, the narcissistic abuse, and a transphobic father who taught me his ways of bigotry. You have no idea how hard it was to realize that I am transgender after all of that. It's almost feel like those anti-semitic bigots would later find out that they are jews, and then they would change their ways to redeem themselves.

I've got what I wanted already. I shouldn't focus just on minor details. And I need to make amends with my past too. I can't return to be a man again, I can't! I hate the feeling of that.

I'm sorry, I wrote that out of panic... It shouldn't have happened.

Forgot to post last night. At least I got into writing once again.

Woke up with a joke in my head too. Already wrote it out.

I'm starting to feel better now, and making I'm pretty much bargaining with myself all about this, and I need to change. I shouldn't quit, and yet, I shouldn't obssess about the littlest of things. I could put what I love the most in jeopardy because of it.

I've been picking up the deck of cards too. Having something to keep my hands entertained and practicing fine motor skills is fun. I should make it a resolution to learn an easy card trick once a week, I guess. The deck is folded, though, so some tricks are difficult because of each card's condition.

At least I'm learning how to force.

January 8th, 2022
Kickboxing: Day 51

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Morning Routine;
The Right Side + 10 Decline Push-ups
Sól Salutation - LVL I +EC
Daily Dare: 2 Minutes Butt Kicks +EC
Count: 622 - 618 +EC

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Night Routine:
Mani Salutation - 5 Sets
Five Rites
Virasana + Prayer
​ Daily Gratitude
Counting Victories
Get to Bed on Time
101 adorations for Freya for 101 days (77/101)
42 adorations for Baldr for 42 days (8/42)
42 adorations for Nanna for 42 days (8/42)
42 adorations for Hodr for 42 days (8/42)

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Workouts:
100 Burpees +EC:
25 Full Burpees
25 Full Burpees
25 Full Burpees
25 Full Burpees
Fireheart: Day 8 - LVL III +Megaset

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Challenges:
Balance: Day 8

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Writing progress:
Nifty 350
Furious 500
Nightcap 200
Reading: Sourcery - 42%

---

Art progress:
Nothing today

---

Music:
Nothing today

---

Others:
No math
HTML and Java still suspended until further notice