7.1.19 Day 49

19:50

Dammit. This weekend was terrible for sports. Have done little to nothing the last days, because winter holidays are over tomorrow and I had to catch up on study stuff and had to enjoy the last free days. Which means a lot of booze and gaming. I actually tried to do my workouts saturday but then my flatmate told me that he had invited a bunch of people over to get drunk. Since Christmas I had absolutely no contact with the outside world, unless you count doing my groceries and speaking about 5 words in total the whole day. I get really crazy when I am left alone for too long. I am not yet talking to inanimate objects, but that sure would have happened eventually. So even though I despise most of his friends I went along with my flatmates plan and joined them. You can´t be really picky about people when you have been talking to yourself for two weeks

But I can feel it. This little uncontrollable surge of energy running through my body. It´s time...



Started with the bokken today, so my hands would not get so sweaty so fast. Worked pretty well. But apperently those four days doing nothing were way more destructive than anticipated. Could barely do 2 sets Samurai. What the hell happened???

I really have to keep doing my workouts. I will never get the 30 Day Streak badge if I don´t find a way to beat my lazyness. Also I started to notice some changes. I have barely slept this year. Normaly I would sleep 8 to 10 hours a night, now I sleep 4 to 5. I guess that is because the holidays were coming to an end and I started to feel the stress and pressure of studying looming on the horizon. Another thing is that I eat much less than before. I used to eat a lot, but what I used to eat in one day I eat in a week. It seems weird...

9.1.19 Day 51

He, I am actually not surprised that I keep doing this. 50 days ago I would have just quit. But not today. In the light of recent events I am still a bit shaken. I feel like I have lost my purpose. I am not even sure if I ever had a purpose and I have lost something else. But nonetheless I decided to keep on doing my workouts and stuff. Normally it makes me smile and I felt that I could use every single smile right now. But today a lot of things felt off. I have definitely lost my focus somewhere since yesterday. My cuts were way to long and I kept hitting the ceiling, floor, some shelves. Hell, I even hit my own head during the warmup! Raising a bokken over your head and lowering it down again is apparently really dangerous. Bokken went down and hit my head. But that kind of thing happens when you are not paying attention.

Katana Warmup. 1 Set Shadow Warrior. Got bored and switched to Samurai. One Set Samurai because I kept hitting things. To avoid further destruction skipped to Foundation. Started with Day 1 again. 3 Sets, because I kept losing my balance.

Yeah, not that great today. But I got up and tried to do something. I can´t just sit around all day and watch One Piece, even though it keeps my mood mostly stable. At least I managed to get a talk with the leader of our institute. I told her of all the cancer crap and asked for a week off so I could figure out what to do now. If I had asked for more time I am sure I would have never gotten back to university. But I guess I want to finish that. Can´t really go out without having accomplished anything, can I?


Oh, I have noticed that some badges look different. I like the new Foundation Light badge, although I am not sure what it is. A shield with an anchor? Or a trident? Or a birds claw?

Legolo it's a trident on a shield the original program was designed for a girl with severe mobility limitations and her username was MermaidMercenary.

10.1.19 Day 52

Not even 1 am. I am bored. I restarted Kenshi for the xth time (lost count). Every time I install a new mod I try it in a clean worldspace. And everytime I find another thing the game lacked and find a mod to fix that. And so on. I´m actually thinking about how I can bring some simple movements into that game. Since I have nothing better to do right now, being freed from my holy duties as a student, I can focus all my energy into those little things that distract me enough. Since there are a lot of times that I just sit around while my squad is mining or training or crafting or running around, I´m thinking about doing the same things. When they run I walk around in my room, when they mine I do vertical cuts, when they train combat moves I do the same and so on. Maybe I will try all of that tomorrow.

Anyway, I was bored. Done the start sooooo many times now. I always choose the same, because this one seems not too challenging. Anyway. (Why can´t I focus on writing? Dammit, Kenshi!) I got up and took the bokken because I was bored. I always start to do some light cuts when I am bored. Mostly some vertical or horizontal cuts. Or the first combo from Samurai. Really love that move. After doing the katana warmup (that thing has been literally burned into my mind, every time I touch the bokken I automaticly start doing that warmup) I started the first Samurai combo. And after doing that 10 times I thought: "Hey, you already started. Why not do the whole thing?" And so I did. 3 Sets Samurai as a midnight/pre bedtime workout session. Although I don´t think I am going to sleep anytime soon. I am actually thinking about going to my Icelandic lesson tomorrow, but it starts at 2 pm, so I could stay awake longer and get up around 10 or 11. Doing some work with the bokken always clears my mind and makes me feel awake. I wish I could take that thing into my lessons. Some of them are so unbelievably boring that I could really use some small katana workouts to keep me awake. I already dread the next phonetics session...

Well, it seems I have decided to keep going to university. That was quick.

Oh, it´s 00:19 already. Guess it´s time for the next entry.

11.1.19 Day 53

Have really lost track of time while doing something. Can´t even remember what the hell I did...

Just did Foundation Day 2. I hate it. My knees start to creek when I do the squats. Reverse Lunges are okay, but only with the right side. As soon as I take my right leg back and try to lower it I can´t hold the balance. All that arm stuff is getting exhausting pretty fast. After the second set I had to use sheer willpower to get the arms up and keep them there. Foundation Strength Days are really not my favourites. But they have to be done. If saturday works out the way I hope I will need to be in good shape. A good singer does not only need a wonderful voice, charisma and enough confidence, he also needs good looks. I may be looking rougishly handsome-ish but a little bit too fat. And I doubt that will do in the long haul. A lot of confidence can fix a lot of things, but it can only do so much when you look like someone tried to dress a barrel with a suit.

So: Foundation Day 2 - 3 Sets.

Okay, forgot to write yesterday because I was barely home but I did Foundation Day 3. 6 Sets with about 45 seconds rest, because I simply didn´t have the time to rest longer. I really don´t know why but that day is incredibly easy.

Okay, I really have to do something with my sleep, Normally I try to fall asleep between 11 and 1am, not later than half past 1. It´s 3 am now and I still can´t sleep. No idea why, my only guess is that my subconscious is doing something( no idea what though) and that´s why I can´t sleep. I am actually considering drinking myself into a stupor every night to get some sleep if nothing else will work...

But for now I hope that after powering myself out through a workout I can sleep without damaging my last healthy bits of brain. Doing Foundation Day 4 right now and writing in the 2 min pauses between the sets. 2 sets done and everything hurts. I don´t understand... There is not that much movement! Just raising your legs in different ways while kneeling on the floor. And your arms that one time. How can that be so exhausting? At least I hope it does what I intend it to do. Make me tired.

4 sets done. Puh, that was something. Normally when I do stuff on the ground, like for example push ups, or everything today, my eyes start to hurt really bad and usually get bloodshot. But not today. Mmhm, I can feel my mind getting foggy. And the typos are getting more often. Time to go to bed. Finally. Gods please, let me rest now...

14.1.19 Day 56

Foundation Day 5 5 Sets. First 1 Set 1 min rest, then 1,5 min rest after two sets. I felt it was too easy, but in week two everything will change again. In FLight it was the same. First week okay but difficult (because I was completely out of shape), then second week was pretty evil and as soon as the third week started it was constant hell and damnation. Hopefully it will be a little bit easier this time. I already start to see some muscle definition, mostly on my upper forearms due to all the bokken work. Will do the bokken workout after lunch when my hands are less sweaty.

First meeting of that cancer support group later today. The group is lead by a shrink ( I always forget the difference between psycho therapist and analyst and since I am not sure what he is I call him a shrink) and I am not sure what to expect from it. I hope it will be full of people who have accepted their fate and have motivating and inspiring stories to tell. I kinda picture those veteran meetings or AA meetings from movies. Just with cancer patients. Please don´t let it be a circle of sad people whining about their life, I am not sure if I can take that right now.

Today part 2 around 5pm

After gravely misjudging time before I had no time for lunch, so I just grabbed some slices of cheese and ran to the stupid support group. That meeting was right out of my nightmares. A bunch of sobby, whiny people sitting in a sterile looking hospital room on chairs that were surely made by demons and being the most uncomfortable chairs I ever had the displeasure of sitting on. That shrink turned up late and did absolutely nothing but taking some notes (although I am pretty sure he was not supposed to write anything down, since we hadn´t agreed to any notetaking. At least I am sure I didn´t. Because of privacy and whatnot) and was asking some incredibly stupid and useless questions. A guy was sitting there and crying his heart out that his life would be so terrible now and he was actually crying. And the shrink just looked at him. "And how does that make you feel?" I just sat there quietly in disbelief. When I tried to comfort the bloke with something like "It´s not that bad, you are not alone in this, we all got the same shit going on (at least mostly) and you surely have some friends who can help you get through." the shrink told me to stop because I am not supposed to interfere. What the actual fucking hell? It´s called "support group" not "misery circle"! I ranted about the complete uselessness of this whole group if nobody is allowed to say some positive things at all to make the others feel a bit better and everybody just looked like I told them to invade Russia in winter. Apparently they want to feel miserable all the time and bother other guys with that. And what the shrink want´s I have no idea. So I just took my stuff and bolted. I really don´t need that, I need positive things that make life worthwhile not some crying people in an uncomfortable room.


Sorry I am misusing my log as a diary again. But I just needed to vent. Hopefully I will cool down a bit and then do some work with the bokken. That always makes me feel better.

15.1.19 Day 57

Foundation Day 6: Well, that doesn´t look like fun at all. 20 minutes later: Yeah, I was right. No fun at all. Crunches went suprisingly well, flutter kicks meh as usual, sitting twists seemed somehow too easy so probably did them wrong somehow. But Raised Leg Circles? Those things come straight from the deepest depths from helheim. Or I am just not able to put my legs up, keep them there and move them in a circle. Propably both. Barely managed to get myself through 3 sets...

On a side not I decided to start the "8 Glasses of Water" challenge. Or something like that. Have been drinking not enough water since basically ever and drank mostly sodas and booze. And I can at least try to get rid of all that sugary soda stuff. So I will try to drink at least 2 liters of water daily. That will be difficult, since water tastes like wet emptiness. And ours somehow tastes a bit dusty, although I am not sure how that could be possible since, you know, dust is basically the opposite of water... But I will find a way, I´m good at improvising solutions

Just drinking my 8th glass now. That went much better than expected. Take one big caraffe so you don´t have to walk every time you want to trink something, take a straw so drinking is more fun. I can´t believe that worked...

16.1.19 Day 58

8 Glasses of Water: Works pretty well, just have to deal with some confusion as soon as the glass is empty. I have two big plastic thingys on my desk with water. Big and green for drinking, not as big and see through for scents. I have that small pottery thing where you put a tealight in and then pour some water in a deepening on top and then put some drops of scented oil in the water. It helps me breathe in this moldy and still somehow really dry room. And makes the room smell nice.

Foundation Day 7: Oh, boy. Something like that can only happen in this flat. I was doing fine, in the middle of set 4 and thought I could at least do 2 more sets. Then I had this stinging pain in my foot. Just really short, but still painfull. Since it stopped nearly instantly I didn´t think anything of it. In the fifth set my feet started slipping on the floor. So I looked down and everything was red. Shut. It seems that there is a small layer of glass shards and sharp rocks between the very thin layers of pvc laminat lookalike. And because I started to move regularly the thin floor got thinner and the glass shards were coming through the surface. And I stepped in some. Cut my foot pretty good, but nothing that needed sewing. After cleaning and drowning the wounds in sanitizer (because I don´t know where the shards came from, why the hell they are where they are and what that weird orange powder under my floor is) and bandaging my foot I thought about trying to vacuum the shards away, but since it´s 3am and my flatmate is sleeping I should probably not do that. The chances of waking him and getting my head smashed in with an axe are pretty high. I will try to limp to the hospital tomorrow ,just in case there should still be shards in my foot that I missed. Hopefully that won´t keep me from working out. I will probably go completely mad if I can´t do my workouts. God, how I hate this flat...

16.1.19 Day 58 Part 2 ( to avoid one insanely long post)

8 Glasses of Water: Done. Drinking water with a blue straw is much more fun than I thought. Well, as long as it makes me drink water I really should not complain about being too easy, right?

On a side note I managed to limp to a hospital. A normal doctor would have done, but there are somehow no doctors in this part of town.Anyway, there would have been a bus to the hospital, but I would have had to walk to the station, take the bus to the city center, change busses three times and be at the hospital an hour after I got out of the house. So I walked. Slowly, while trying to avoid putting too much pressure on the right foot. Took some time but I got there. After waiting for an insanely long time ( I suddenly remembered why I try to avoid hospitals. They steal your time. And probably life force too.) I finally got to see a doctor. Went pretty well because I had apparently done such a good job taking care of the wounds that there were no shards of glass left. She even asked me if I had any medical background. When you are stuck in a swedish forest for two weeks with a horde of teenagers with knives you just have to learn how to handle cuts. No way around it... Afterwards she just told me to tread lightly and asked if I wanted some light pain meds for the pain. Sadly I had to decline because I kinda used to be addicted to pain meds due to a lot of car accidents when I was still in school.

I shouldn´t strain the foot too much and should avoid fast movements for around a week. Hmm, don´t like that. Cuts heal pretty fast so I will need maybe 4 days of rest. Hopefully I can do at least some stationary workouts. If I try to stand still while doing my katana workouts that should do. Probably. Only one way to find out

Legolo you worry me. Get well soon

Gandhalfit Mate, you don´t need to worry, I am fine. Okay, fine-ish, but I feel fine. Injuries happen and are no reason to worry about. But your worryness (is that even a word?) is appreciated.

injuries do happen but you seem to be attracting a lot of them...

Yeah, I started to notice that too. Now that I write that stuff down I am starting to realize how much things are actually happening to me. It is a little bit frightening, to be honest. But there is not much I can do about it, can I?