Seeking Some Duct Tape

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    'rin are you sure you aren't beating yourself up? or is it just so normal to you that you don't notice? i don't hear your Crow. I only see what you put here. July was in a big way about the aggravation caused by the compression socks. i heard that; it sounds like frustration. and here's what else I heard in the month of July:

    July 2 – “I’m lazy as hell..” ;
    July 5 – can’t have mobile vet because house “is a fucking mess atm.”
    July 10 – “I … am in pieces. … Body … hates me.”
    July 12 – FML
    July 14 – vanilla post, nothing overtly neg
    July 15 – it’s my body’s fault that I look ridiculous
    July 16 – vanilla X2
    July 21 – I feel like a failure.
    July 29 – vanilla-ish … didn’t consider treating veins because it’s cosmetic (if you actually liked the way you looked or honestly weren’t bothered by them, then i could accept that this is purely monetary; but you don’t and i don’t)
    July 30 – vanilla-ish
    July 31 – it was almost the only positive post you put up for the month and then you threw in a “but” … you had a great time with friends and then negated it by focusing on what you ate instead of what you did, how much you laughed, the quality time with friends.

    this is what you are saying out loud, once or twice a week publicly here. I know that what I say out loud is a very censored version of what I say in my head. maybe you keep all the good stuff for yourself. or maybe you should consider taking some time to pay attention to your internal dialogue. i think you'd be surprised at what you hear. by the way, this is also something we all do, the negative self talk. everybody. Tony Robbins. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Marilyn Monroe. Audrey Hepburn. Coco Chanel. Katy Perry. Rhonda Rousey. Even Christ himself had a moment of doubt.

    and i didn't post this because i want you to be less authentic here. i did it so you can hear what i hear and then you can maybe see what else there is to listen to. and to that end, i'll sending you nothing but loving kindness.

    you are enough. you are worthy. you are beautifully imperfectly perfect and you are doing effing amazing.

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      My posts here are often basically stream of consciousness, so my interal voice is not "meaner" at least. And like... I am a super positive person as I always assume I will find a way through whatever is going on atm, but I try/do temper that w realism. My house IS a fucking mess, bc it is only a priority to me when other ppl will look at it, bc I don't want them judging me. I didn't think abt doing a cosmetic thing bc I don't value/aspire to "pretty". I was basically raised to consider judgements based on what someone looks like (beyond, like, good hygiene) to be a moral failing (which is fucking hilarious w/r/t my professional life). My body DOES hate me atm, bc I have not been taking proper care of it, so maybe I ought to get back to that. /shrug.

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        My house is a fucking mess too.

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          My house is always a fucking mess!

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            Originally posted by Mamatigerj View Post
            My house is always a fucking mess!
            Bahahaha, same here! I think most people have a messy house...cuz....life... 😅

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              ok. and housework is not a priority for me either. so i don't throw stones about housework ... i won't accept a dinner invitation when it falls into that range of that effects health and hygiene but that not related to judgey-ness.

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                Love all you bees -- my apartment is a ridiculous mess too ​​​​​​

                We often have visitors here, and I try to at least keep up a certain level of hygiene (wash dishes / change towels etc.), but people will have to deal with piles of laundry all overthe bathroom and piles of old newspapers on the kitchen table and empty bags of nuts on the sofa, because I don't have the time to deal with it and I don't have any intention of making it a priority LOL

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                  I hope your cat gets better soon! Hokori is also having stomach issues as a side effect of the antibiotics he had to take for his gingivitis

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                    Warning, medical description of bodily functions
                    Antibiotics can easily perturb the stomach (unbalance the microbiote there), however, thyroid meds should ... not. Well, if memory serves, they can constipate / give diarrhea, and play on the appetite, but not touch the flora or acidity, so wondering what happens to poor kitty.
                    Hoping she likes ear rubs like Mademoiselle Luna ! (who of course is sending healing purrrs).

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                      Pet cat instead of doing workout this morning...going to actually see if I can get her to vet sooner. Maybe hubby can take her tomorrow, she is skinny. (But happy and playful and loving so whatever the fuck us wrong she's not hurting at least.)

                      yesterday was 3k steps. Took a down day.
                      9am coffee w half snd half
                      10am muffin dough
                      1030 pb banana muffin
                      11 few spoons curry to test (needs lemon)
                      1115 cherries, coffee w half and half
                      12 coffee w half and half
                      130 open face chicken salad sammich
                      230 pb muffin
                      7 brown rice w butter, chicken thigh, broccoli and snow peas
                      930 cherries

                      Thank you daejamurrachan, sleep_twitch, Loba5472, @Mamatigerj... glad I am not only one w messy house. Also PetiteSheWolf I figured I may just be giving her placebo powder but, it smells meaty and makes her want her food so whatever. Checked w a vet tech friend and it's like w ppl - probiotics can't hurt even if might not help

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                        I really hope kitty gets better soon.

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                          Poor kitty...breaks my heart. Hoping kitty is better SOON!

                          As for housecleaning ...lol, as you may have guessed from my thread, I am indeed a bit of a NEAT FREAK! For me it is a hygienic issue but also a CONTROL thing. I have definitely gotten more lax as my physical ability has declined, but still do as much as I can...ex: no more weekly wall wipe downs, top to bottom bathroom cleanings, etc as now it is more like spot cleaning for walls as needed and clorox wipe to bathroom intermittently throughout week as needed lol

                          And we all need a place to vent and express whatever our inner dialogue may or may not actually be. It is just amazing how much we all are interwoven and genuinely care for one another despite sparingly limited actual physical encounters! Empowering and satisfying knowing there is so much support and good people out there in the face of such worldly adversity and just downright ugliness!

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                            Thanks CODawn and MissMolly! Cannot seem to get cat in sooner then Monday, but she is still playful so maybe I am being melodramatic? But cats are stoic beasts. I got some kitten formula (which she will dain to take small bits of from a spoon but fight me if I try to syringe feed her to get a good amount in) and nutrigel (which she doesn't like but will lick off her her nose/paws, glaring at me, if I put it on her LOL). Figure it can't hurt to get extra calories into her.

                            Skipped gym this morning to minimize time she will be home alone today. And bc I am such a ball of anxiety about tomorrow.

                            Was not going to bring this up here but since this has become my diary of late.

                            Vein appt is tomorrow. So don't want to know what final butchers bill over next few years of treatment will be.

                            Also. I have some thing on back of shoulder which has been not healing and scaring me for awhile (maybe it is not healed bc bra strap might rub it..maybe something sinister given my family history includes melanoma on both sides). I was trying to get a dermatologist appt. No one taking my insurance and accepting my insurance will take me w out a referral. I have no pcp. None* who take my insurance** and are accepting new patients have any appts for 3+ months out. I was actually up half the night a few nights ago having a panic attack/crying considering just letting it kill me if it is cancer bc the type of life I would have if I go 500k+ in debt w treatments bc even tho I pay 80$ a week for insurance it is worthless is not the kind of life I want - I do not want to live in this crappy coop forever and not even be able to fix it up and never be able to travel or eat out or buy new shoes and work till I die bc I can't retire...and realistically going that deep into debt at my age and without the sort of education/experience to land a 6+figure job would mean that. But. Mt Sinai is like 10 min walk from vein place. They have an "express care" attached (not er) and list "skin irritation, infections, rashes" as something they treat. I can at least afford a few hundred bucks to have them look at it and tell me if it is worrisome looking or not, and maybe I can sweet talk some kind of referral out of them. I wouldn't try this at a normal urgent care but I am hoping one attached to a big hospital has some extra resources and better staff. If it is worrisome I might be plugging a go fund me bc aparently that is the only way to pay for healthcare here.


                            *there might be 1 but I spent a combined 12 hrs over 3 days making phone calls and just am so spent.

                            **Cigna. This is the 3rd retail job I've had over the last 20 years which has used these bastards and I think I only got them to pay twice, once for an eye exam (surprisingly w no drama)and once for an urgent care visit (which required like 9 hrs total on phone to make them pay). I even specifically used a servic that finds you places your insurance covers once to find a dentist and ended up having to pay to avoid collections after the fact. (1800dentist, who actually reimbursed me part of what I payed I think most bc they were embarrassed.)


                            ANYWAY I did Upperbodybuilder w my 5 lb weights to not skip a day again.

                            yesterday was 10k steps and
                            630 muffin, smear of pb, coffe w half and half, cherries
                            930 2 2 bite mini quiche, coffee, half a bacon croissant, fruit, coffee (work training thing)
                            12 curry, yogurt mango parfait
                            2 coffee
                            700 sirloin steak, salad
                            830 ice coffee, muffin
                            I need to track water again I think Im not getting enough.

                            912 total/1streak

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                              Difficult to put a like, yet I will , for your exercise.
                              Your plan with Mount Sinai express care makes sense, keep us updated, and hugs.

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                                Liked for your workout...I hate scary health shit. These are decisions we shouldn't have to make.

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