Seeking Some Duct Tape

daejamurrachan nah, you are not out of line. I AM going through a rough patch. I think it is just an adjustment related one, though, and not a "you are doing a stupid thing" one. The short version is that I really do poorly with all change, always, and I am (and have been my entire life) a bully magnet.

Overall, I like my job. Some of my least favorite things about my previous job (the schedule was written by a computer, not a person; the commission % was a bit lower then industry standard; management was a revolving door and that often let me in a position of being unofficial manager with no extra money (in fact, less money bc you can't sell while training colleagues etc); and there was no room for me to grow) are not an issue with this new job. I need to teach the resident bullies that it is not worth fucking with me but, that process takes time to set up properly so as to not get into trouble myself in the process.

Retail in general might not be the place for me, long term, but until we are done with my husband's student loans and it would not be absurd of us to take out more loans so that I can go back to school for something useful (we both got useless liberal arts degrees). At our current rate of payment I have 2-3 years to figure out what that might be.

It's just... I am upset about my body bc I put 20-30lbs back on bc my routine changed and I did not change my diet >.> I am eating as a coping strategy in part bc I stopped drinking as a coping strategy about 2 years ago, and I forgot to come up with any new plans for dealing with things. Annndddd didn't realize I had anything to cope with until I was also coping with the fact that I regained some weight. Working in fashion does make dealing with body image issues a bit less amusing then they would be otherwise, which is less then ideal. But since throwing myself into another new situation, where I might not make as much money, would just stress me out further I think finishing to settle in where I am is probably the lesser of two evils atm.

One of the things I really wanted to get away from at the old job - constant talk about my body bc of all the weight I had lost - was apparently a check/balance that was keeping me on track. (And some ego food, let's be honest here.)

Thanks for checking in on me. I am one of those people who likes to complain while doing the work, basically. If I'm not complaining, I am probably not in the process of trying to fix things LOL.

cheers then, my friend 'rin! there was a time in my life when coping meant blowing the whole d@mn thing to h3ll. for some stupid reason i didn't believe i could just start where i was and make things better. i had to blow everything up and create a crater so that i would start 6 feet under rock bottom. you're strategy is significantly better than mine was.

and as other friends have said, we all need to vent. sometimes that's how we get a true idea of where we are and where we want to be. if we were sitting together in that coffee shop and meeting every day, i would give you as much time as you wanted to spend venting, complaining, telling your story. that's how you get clarity. then, i would ask you 2 questions: 1) is this the way you want it to be? and 2) what are you going to do to change it?

and i would remind you that change doesn't have to mean additional student loans. maybe it means reading Robert Cialdini's book Influence and Persuasion so that you can figure out a tactic to turn your latest bully into your next best friend. or reading Secrets of a Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker to tweak the way you think about money. or maybe you want to read the Sword of Truth series or the Sword of Shannara because you're in the mood for a good fiction escape. yes, i do like to read and Shannara is on my wish list - we could start a sort of book club and read it together if you like ... maybe books aren't your thing and that's cool.

for me, stopping a downward spiral or uncontrolled spin was - and is - about putting a new plan into action. so ... what's the plan?

in writing this to you, I've realized some things maybe aren't really that different for me. i apparently still feel the need to nuke my life when it spins sideways. strangely, i guess that's one area of life where i have some congruency. my situation is a little different than yours: 1) my job is mobile. i can take my work-issued laptop and my work-issued phone and work from anywhere. 2) my mother lives in Kansas and doesn't like my husband. 3) my husband (and I) live in Colorado and his job isn't mobile and he has no desire to try to make peace with my mother. 4) my marriage doesn't resemble a marriage. all parties (mom, sister, husband, teenage daughter, and my dad & his wife) know that I am going to Kansas to help my sister care for my mom. it might not happen right away but i'm not leaving my sister alone to deal with all the stuff that goes with fighting cancer. we - my daughter and I - will stay in Kansas for as long as we need to be there. Trin has already set her expectations to start high school there. my mother has "the little house" which i know is ... to put it kindly ... a fixer-upper. when Trin and I temporarily relocate to Kansas, we will be putting money into the little house instead of paying rent somewhere else. and my husband doesn't know it yet, but we will be selling the house that we live in now and he can get an apartment closer to his work or well ... whatever he decides to do without the need to care for my dogs or do yard work or even change a light bulb. you see, we have a $400,000 property and he can't be bothered to wash a dish, or turn on the sprinkler system without me nagging or a nastygram and fine from the HOA. neither of us likes this house so i've made clear the plan to sell, just only started to think about the timing of it. i personally would rather take a loss on it because the windows need replaced and there is no grass rather than come back in 6 months or a year and have it evaluated at 75% of its value because he was more concerned about buying another gun than cleaning a toilet. there are other issues and having the difficult conversation in the past has been met with literal silence. i said something to him about how he communicated with my mother, he didnt' like what i said and didn't speak to me for 3 months. literally 90 days. i told him never again. he did it again. my street rat of a dog pissed on the bedroom door jamb and i was stomping around while i cleaned it up totally in my head about all the issues the dog was causing for me - including additional strain on my marriage because he despises the dog. after i finished cleaning up after the dog, i was going to go to the gym but my car wouldn't start. when i asked him for help he didn't answer me. i was in the same room as him. i asked him again. then i asked him if he heard me and he said yes but he was ignoring me. apparently he asked me something while i was cleaning up after the dog and i made a face or answered in a tone he didn't agree with so he was mad and was ignoring me. i said ok and walked to the gym. i was planning my exit when i got a text from him saying he was trying to handle things in a more adult way; my battery was dead and he was getting me a new one. we never talked about it again.

i have totally hijacked your thread but i figure if i'm going to poke you for a plan of action, at the very least i should (over)share mine with you.

so, what's your plan, girlfriend?

note: Hive friends - i am happy to entertain your ideas about how to improve my circumstances without nuking my life but i'd rather do that on my thread. i've already hijacked 'rin's and thats not exactly fair. thank you for helping me keep her thread about her.

daejamurrachan BOOK CLUB! I have about 2k pages of backlog atm bc I FINALLY got another friend to read a Stephenson book I've been reccomending for ages (REAMDE) so I am rereading that + will read it's sequal (FALL, or Dodge in Hell) next but I could totally get into Shanara with you. I read the Wish-song trillogy ages ago and a few other snippets of the series (jarl witch, i think). I devour books and always enjoy talking about them. (I am super fkn picky about non fiction but fiction wise I read damn near anything except romance novels, but especially scifi/fantasy/specfic.)

Another issue, currently, is I am in what I tend to call "a pit of ennui". These pits have nothing, really, to do with what is happening in my life and everything to do with my brain chemistry getting wonky. It is genetic - there is depression and bipolar disorder on both sides of my family. Since I tend to come out of them on my own (and even at their worst I can still manage to do the basic things necessary so that my life doesn't fall apart) I don't feel the need to be medicated, but I do keep an eye on the length of time that I am down and there is a point at which I would seek help instead of just dealing with myself. (When I last saw a therapist they described it as "sub clinical depression that occasionally isn't sub".)

I try not to make huge plans while I am in this sort of state, though, bc lacking optimism makes any planning that isn't basic doomsday prepping pretty useless LOL. So my current plan, is to see how well I can do at this job. We are renovating the store atm, hugely, and adding a bunch of new vendors, and changing our systems around, and some of my least favorite coworkers are dinosaurs who are not going to adapt. There is going to be more upheaval along the way but I can see how I can make some real money there - get rid of hubby's student loans, get rid of the (tiny compared to most ppl I know but still annoying to me) credit card debt we carry, renovate our coop properly - and then decide if it is good enough to just stay through or if I want to go back to school - at which point I know they will accommodate my schedule bc they are great about that as a company.

Today I went for a walk before work - 2 miles to the subway. I called that my workout bc I did not want to get up earlier then that bc I still am taking benadryl for fucking sun hives on my leg at night and DAMN that knocks me the hell out.

45 miles this week. Not bad for some crappy rainy weather. /shrug

353 dares, 270 w ec. 873 day streak

'rin gurl! you totally have a plan that is appropriate to where you are right now. you are in a new job and a new house. building, finding, developing your new normal is exactly the right strategy. i'm going to continue to hope and prolly once in a while ask you not to beat yourself up so much and maybe practice a little less self-sabotage. i have a limited picture of what's going on in your life, but based on the score i came up with at this link, you have enough stressors in your life to be 50-80% in danger of illness or injury. by most standard stress scales, changing jobs and changing residences usually fit in the top 10 adult life stressors. and you did both. your life had a defined run rhythm at your other house and your other job. you are still creating your space in the new house and finding your place at the new job. you need to give yourself some time to poor a new foundation, let it settle, and then build on it.

and if you manage to do that without cratering your life you'll be way ahead of me.

daejamurrachan I think my self sabotage is a relative of the nuke strategy, writ smaller. Nuking things would require then finding/building an entire thing...where as I much prefer to gerry rig/modify existing situations bc wtf I do not want to decide what to build. (Like my home, I did not move but went from renting to buying the coop I had been living in bc landlord was done w fixing shit... so now I need to fix shit. It has STABLOC BREAKERS. My dad and I had some fun w those... But hey, no mortgage bc it was cheap enough (but also no more savings beyond basic emergency fund, oh well).

Anyway.

Nia Day!
pulldowns 5x70x5 - up next time
Shoulder press 4x14sx4 - do not up next time
Rdl 4x95x5 - up sets again next

2 days of power up to catch up, 18 snd 19. Side planks are still the devil.

1 min plank, elbows, still stuck here

4 sets of abs between/around 2nd power up, 4lb ball
10 high crunches
10 Dead bugs
10 twists w ball bounce

My nutrition plan for this week is to bring nighttime snacking to an appropriate level by having some nice cheese, fruits, chorizo, pickles, etc available in house. Rule is not to buy food otw home from work. If I really think I want a goddamn ice cream cone I need to walk past carvel and the waffle shop to my apt, feed cats, and go back out to get it (w no cheating by sending husband).

353 dares, 270 w ec. 874 day streak

'rin your technique for ice cream is exactly the strategy i used to quit smoking.

Today my goal is NOT to get my step goal. I need to be still, and to clean my apt up a bit (well, a lot, it is bad).

Power up - ouch
Dynamic Dumbells lv3 but, alternated sets w 2lb and 5lb dumbbells to basically make it active rest

353 dares, 270 w ec. 875 day streak

Nia Day
chest press 4x15sx8 up next
Bent row 4x20sx8 up next
Goblet 4x16kgx8

Angry Ligament was angry so, did a hollow hold instead of plank.

Some good stretching

Power up involved flailing


353 dares, 270 w ec. 876 day streak

2 days ago I walked.
Yesterday I should of gone to gym, and to work, but had some weird fucking headache + was worried abt cat (made her an apt for 7/1 and will just feex her extra till then, I think her med lvs are off for thyroid) and did 2 days of Power up to catch up + some yoga and otherwise stayed on couch.

Today I did a power up and will walk, will get back on my lifts properly tomorrow (I like this 3 day a week thing...).

353 dares, 270 w ec. 879 day streak

Hope your kitty feels better soon! And hope the headache does not present for another day of havoc! Healing vibes for both!

Mademoiselle Luna sends Healing purrs - thyroid balance is already not easy for humans, I Wonder with kitties!

I hope you and your kitty feel better soon.

Thanks MissMolly PetiteSheWolf CODawn. kitty is a bit perkier w 2 days of extra food so, pretty sure her meds need upped. Will just continue w extra food till her vet apt tho instead of fucking w dose on my own.

Nia Day
Rdl 5x95x5 - stay here 1 more day
Pulldowns 4x70x8 stay
Shoulder press 4x15sx5 up rep

Power up day 25 w some fails

Ive stayed out of junk in the evening but, still not having appropriate portions at night so, going to try 1 more week at this "healthy diet habit" before I add next layer.

353 dares, 270 w ec. 880 day streak

33 miles last week, but w 1 fairly still and another absolutely still day that is a win, I guess.

Found out on my Father's Day phone call that my dad is going to be doing at home dialysis and possibly going on list for a kidney donor. So I am going to look up info abt living donation for that + my job's leave policies >.> I wonder if family leave act covers that and if I'd get paid. And if my dad would even be ok w me suggesting that. And who's insurance would cover it. Seems it is a process tho to even get him started w this so, I have months to figure it out.

Going to make peanut/sesame cold spicy noodles for my lunches this week bc it was something my dad made often when I was a kid so it is double comfort food (bc memories + peanutbutter LOL).

Today was active rest day.
Power Up day 26
Brute abs - 5lbs on folds, 15 on twists and chops, 25 on side bends
Graceling- lv 1.rin - 5 sets but alternated propper sets and stepjack sets


353 dares, 270 w ec. 881 day streak