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    hello my friends. i hope your weekend was fabulous. mine was all over the place. you already know about Saturday.

    today was better. i started with the Calm app meditation. and apparently it was the message i needed for the day. it was sort of about separating the self from the emotions. which made me think about being angry yesterday and how anger is the one emotion that is kind of an absolute for me. when i feel anger, my inner dialogue is I AM ANGRY. that is very absolute and total and all-consuming. it's like there is no room for me to be me because i'm too busy being angry. if i can re-word it or re-frame it, then i can experience anger or feel angry and then it doesn't have to consume me. then it is not something that I AM; it is just something that i feel or experience. experiences and feelings are fleeting. i still have some residual resentment for the self-righteous good samaritan but i'm leaning more toward sarcastic amusement. the amusement is a factor of his assertion that the entire neighborhood is concerned about my dog's care because he has gotten away from me 4 times in the 2 years that i've had him. twice after i first brought him home and twice this week. the whole neighborhood has nothing better to do than gossip about my street rat of a dog. really. just ask mr good samaritan.

    today i did some self-care. and i walked the dogs.Sunday is a great day for those things. i got my 10k steps so i feel pretty good about the day overall. too much Halloween candy but otherwise not bad.

    and my mom called. she needed help getting a plane ticket for my sister. she called for the technology help but i ended up buying the ticket. there isn't a bereavement fare anymore and next day tickets are not exactly within mom's budget. my stepfather is in hospice. i don't know why. he was married to my mother from the time i was 2 until i was 9 but he has not communicated with me since the year they divorced. and actually i don't think he talked to me. just that he sent me a bicycle for my birthday that year. he didn't reach out to my sister until she was in junior high or high school and she would have been 2-3 when they divorced. he made a big deal out of getting joint custody or something close and then didn't even visit or have her visit him. *shrug* not my circus and not my monkeys.

    so after talking to mom, i called my dad. and thanked him for finding healthy ways to deal with the crap-ton of sh!+3 that he experienced as a kid. Steve Jobs said he couldn't beat cancer because he couldn't overcome his anger. i don't know stepfather's story. i do know my dad's story and he's got a lot of reason to be angry. my aunts didn't deal with their anger very well. 2 died before i ever met them. actually 1 died before i even knew she existed. the 2nd died before i got to meet her. and the 3rd is still alive but she is not healthy. i'm trying to figure out how to describe her to you and i can't find words to do it. she is more than 400 pounds with all the health and hygiene problems that can go with that.

    any way, the conversation with my mom and my sister (knowing their health history and circumstances) about my stepfather made me very grateful for my father and my health. i may never be an Instagram fitness model but that's because i don't really care to work that hard.

    now, good night friends. and make yesterday jealous.

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      hello friends.

      my sister is doing ok at her dad's house. i asked her if she got there in time to say good-bye and she said yes, and she realizes that it would have been okay not to come but she is glad she did. i am glad she did. this way she doesn't have any guilt about not saying good-bye.

      i had my first session i with trainer yesterday. well 2nd because we had the meet and greet. yesterday counted as a work-out. i know that i needed that foundational work. it is one of the reasons i wanted to work with a trainer but it is a little bit frustrating to spend an hour with a trainer and not sweat. we did breath work (i have a very bad habit of holding my breath, then gulping in air. i also don't take full breaths unless i am gulping air.) we did some form work and more evaluations. i tend to spend a lot of time with my shoulders raised. when you put "your lats in your pocket" it definitely changes the focus of the effort. it also reduces the clicking in my shoulder. my hamstrings cramped when i did bridges with her. she said that indicates the hamstrings are weak, firing too hard and at the wrong time. and since i still dont feel like i worked my glutes at all, i would have to say that is probably true. as a matter of fact, i think my whole posterior chain is a bit on the weak side.

      but she still thinks i can be Spartan ready by July. not sure if it will be a Sprint (3-5 mi with 20-23 obstacles) or a Super (8-10 mi with 24-29 obstacles) but at least a Sprint. it is very upper-body focused. so thats my goal.

      today i worked out at home with a Daily Dare, The Gut Workout (L2), Watch Me (L2), Wall-Sit (D24 - 20 secs is easy now), and Back & Core (D23).

      i had meetings early and a dental appointment later so workout here lets me get a few hours of work done.

      make yesterday jealous, friends.

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        I have DOMS. in my legs and my shoulders. it is the most comfortable uncomfortable feeling in the world. i'm pretty sure i can thank the Watch Me workout.

        today i worked with trainer. we did bridges and bird dogs and some dead bug like thing. and goblet squats and then 2 different kinds of step-ups. finished off with some stretching and foam rolling. between the goblet squats and the cardio, i actually worked up a sweat. it was lovely.

        make yesterday jealous, friends.

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          there is life, travel, the job, and lots of crap. so much. yeah, life is crushing down on me and i have a lot of the symptoms that i had when i had sciatica but not the ones that actually indicate the pinching of the nerve. just the ones that i get when i try to carry the weight of the world all by myself. it gets better when i get up and move. and i'm having re-occuring water dreams and dirty bathroom dreams (together the 2 indicate a lot of emotional turmoil that i need to cleanse or purge). and grinding my teeth. just had a crown done. it was probably too late. prolly need a root canal and an implant. took me a while to realize it but i got what i asked for in regards to the job. yeah, i'm sort of hating that right now but a good night's sleep will probably put that in the right perspective.

          all of this crap that i am experiencing is in large part a result of my decision to not decide.

          the quote of the day: fix the problem or eliminate the problem. don't live with the problem.
          i can't remember who said it.

          and SQUIRREL ...

          but i have been consistently inconsistent about working out. Saturday i did gym cardio; yesterday i walked the dogs; today i did Wake UP & Make it Happen, B&C Day 25, & Daily Dare. step count is stupid low - much to the disgust of the dogs.

          i am blessed and so grateful for all that i have. and i would also be grateful for that good night's sleep.

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          sweet dreams, friends. make yesterday jealous.

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            You've got this love! Don't let the demons keep you down....if change and cleanse is needed then so be it! Break out the sage and start to break free of the old you!

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              True about what you said about a good night's sleep. Things always seem better in the morning. Hang in there!

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                hihihi -

                today is better. i haven't quite fixed or eliminated the problem but i did work toward that. it's a work in progress. so ... the results of my introspection after my temper tantrum yesterday. yup, that was my version of multi-threaded cranky! thankfully it was productive.

                currently my life lacks joy. i have no good reason for that. at some point in the last 20 years i stopped doing the things that made my heart sing and started doing what other people expected me to do. i said no, i don't really want to go when i did want to go very badly but i knew that nobody else did. and that is no way to live. as a matter of fact, it seems to be a very long slow painful stressful death. i could tell you all the external influence things that created a mindset that had me saying no but they don't really matter. ultimately, i said no. besides just having given up on the things that i enjoy doing, it also made me resentful of fun things that other people wanted to share with me. so i'm giving up resenting other people's fun and i will be putting some of my kind of fun back in my life. just so that you know what to look for, that will be ski trips, going to the zoo and the wild animal sanctuary, the alligator farm and the wolf sanctuary, white water rafting and obstacle course races. and maybe just some long rides to no where. and that is important to me because it will give me balance. i have no problem, no issues with working hard but if i am not also playing hard, then stress levels just go up unrelentingly.

                speaking of work, i have reached my 6 month anniversary at my job. normally by 6 months in, i have stopped wondering if this job, this position was a mistake. i have not yet stopped wondering that. there is so much good here. the company. the culture. the people. yeah, the pay and the benefits too. and this is the first time a job was a stretch for me as person instead of primarily as an engineer. i have grown so much in the last 6 months. i am so grateful for this. with all of that, if i still feel like 4 of 5 days every week are going to suck, then in May at my 1-year mark i will start looking for my next great adventure. 1 year is my personal minimum for feeling like i honestly gave it a solid try. i took this position because i was supposed to be able to feel less at risk as a permanent employee. unfortunately, this company is almost like a sort job warehouse choose your adventure thing. and i don't yet have the right contacts to be able to build the adventure i want. now that i've recognized that, correcting that will be part of my 6 month plan also. so, as of right, i'm saying out loud to God and all y'all, if this ain't it, then i'll be looking for it come May.

                hmmmm ... what else ... for the rambly monologue ...

                so today i got to spend time with trainer Sara and we have moved a little bit past all the mind-numbing God-give-me-patience-for-this-now! form corrective stuff. that still takes up the better part of my hour with her but we also did slams and squats and TRX. i will get back to my former fitness level or even better. it just takes time. part of my 6 month plan here is to get the screws & plate out of my ankle. i am not weather sensitive but it is very touch sensitive. even just the side of my boot rubbing the screws is uncomfortable. and i think it is having an impact on my flexibility. i can't feel the stretch in my right side hips/glutes. i can't pigeon or figure 4 (laying down or standing) without feeling like i am wrenching my knee out of place but the stretch doesn't reach my hips/glutes. i can forward fold my hands flat on the floor but i can't sit back into child's pose. maybe it isn't the plate but i'll know for sure to look for other reasons for my inability to regain my flex if the plate is gone and i still can't stretch.

                on the plus side, Sara taught me to "keep my lats in my pocket" ... did i tell you that already? if so just skip ahead. this has been an important lesson for so many reasons. in an effort to remember to keep my shoulders down, i have come to understand just how many hours i spend with my shoulders up around my ears, like a boxer bracing for a hit. i have also come to see that if your shoulders are position correctly and your arms extend out of your shoulders correctly when doing push-ups, it has a decidedly different focus and the shoulders don't click or hurt. this piece of information alone is totally worth the price of admission!

                yeah so that's it for today. still don't have a plan for food and just realized it is 10:30 and i still don't have my shopping list done and it's past my bedtime. not that i will be sleeping. Trin is at a concert and not home yet so .... i guess i'll make that shopping list.

                make yesterday jealous, friends.

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                  Hope you will be successful in your plan about joy and fun.

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                    daejamurrachan at times RKC and Strongfirst are a little over the top in detail management which leads at times to what you describe below :
                    "so today i got to spend time with trainer Sara and we have moved a little bit past all the mind-numbing God-give-me-patience-for-this-now! form corrective stuff. that still takes up the better part of my hour with her but we also did slams and squats and TRX." . It is cool to go in the details and to correct things but there is only so much you can correct at once in my experience... SO if you tackle all at once you end up paralyzing yourself without doing anything... I learnt to ski as an adult, sure the first couple of days weren't pretty but if you want to go sooner or later you gotta try . Sure one needs to have a minimum of theory backing and to have a grasp of the technique but at a point in time one has to start doing... I mean even professional elite ski athletes still correct some details throughout their career that doesn't hold them back from skiing at all
                    At times with Pavel's stuff you get on the wrong side of this and it is almost like you need to do a PHD work to learn to swing a KB, it is true that it is good to have a reference point that you can always return upon to make corrections or refine one aspect rather than the other but to me the beauty of the system is that the basics can be covered within a couple of hours... Then while practicing, you can spend your life refining every single detail of every single move.
                    I don't have experience with health limiting factors and if I was asked to coach someone that had some stuff like you describe, I would be overly cautious with the result that probably we would progress far more slowly as actually needed out of fear of doing more harm than good... SO if you come with your fears and your trainer has also fears in what to do, we have a perfect recipe for mind numbing progress. May be best to have a talk about this with Sara and to try to find a better compromise between perfection, safety and action ?

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                      xingyiquan we are progressing. slowly but progressing. the first actual training day felt mostly meditative. it was all breathing, dead bugs, bridges, bird dogs and learning to feel the difference between a squat and a dead lift (hinging back versus sitting). most of why we are still spending more time on the corrective stuff is to get me aware of lining up my hips, engaging my core, and breathing during the exercise, instead of holding my breath and gasping after. last week she asked me how i was feeling and it was not a good day. she adjusted my workout so that when we were done, i had slammed ropes and medicine balls enough to turn my day around. now, even if we are still spending a little more than half my time on corrective stuff, i still leave sweaty and feeling like i did something; yesterday the slams were the last thing we did so i was also working to catch my breath. thank you for helping me to be my own advocate and speaking up. are you available to be my job/life coach too?

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                        Your life if your life to live and no one else's.

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                          daejamurrachan very simple deal => if it is a success, it is directly to be tied to my sound advice ! if it is a failure, it is linked to your poor execution ! sounds like a perfect plan that reminds me my first manager's views on how the ideal workplace should be run.... Always surprised on how well it carries over to other stuff

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                            Lots of important changes planned there! Keep your head high and keeping pushing for what YOU want!

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                              Happy Thanksgiving, friends!!

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                                Happy Thanksgiving, daejamurrachan !

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