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Trbrats training log...Ready to Get Rugged

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    Thank you!

    Last night I added a little run into my walk again. I am definitely feeling it! OOF

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      I think today is the day I leave...I have packed more things this morning and am meeting with my daughter to hand off to her so i have room for the rest after work. I am going to keep it simple and just tell him I am going to my moms. I will probably tell him over the phone...my nerves are shook...but i have to keep my resolve...grant me the strength to follow through!

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        You are strong

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          You've got this! Remember to breathe deeply. You have those you love around you.

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            You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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              You're amazing!

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                You can do it!

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                  Sending strength vibes ā€‹ā€‹ā€‹ā€‹ā€‹ā€‹
                  and some comfort, take care!

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                    You've got this, you're so close. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and you in my thoughts.

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                      You can do this! Iā€™m so impressed with your resolve! A thousand good wishes to you today tonight and going forward

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                        You can do this! Best wishes and know that we are all cheering you on!

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                          How are you doing? Hope you're okay

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                            Remember: this is a thing you CAN change. You have control over what you do.

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                              I don't know any of you personally, but I am loving the amount of support that all of you are giving me. I heart you guys!

                              On the 20th anniversary of a tragic day in our history, I walked away, shattering my world as i know it and leaving a piece of myself behind.

                              I did it. And it hurts like hell. I just walked away from 29 years of my life. I almost didn't do it. But everything was already packed.

                              My son and I packed up early Saturday while he was at work and before his mom woke up. We had started gathering things the night before. Friday night I watched him sleep, whispered in his ear goodbye, and I love you. As soon as he left Saturday morning I got moving. I didn't tell him, or his mom anything until after I had gotten to my moms. Although I think with my sons nervous energy Friday night, she knew something was up. She asked him what was going on that she didn't know about. He told her he was just cleaning. As for the call...I called him before he left work, Luckily everyone was about to leave so I just had to wait a few excrutiating minutes listening to the ramble of shop talk before he was alone. It took a lot of deep breaths on my part, and him saying 'what woman?' for me to tell him that I was staying at my moms. He asked what I meant. I said 'Im not coming home'...silence. He asked where Austin was, I told him he was with me, and that he could do NTI until I figure stuff out. Silence...then a person he was waiting on showed up to make a payment and he said 'I gotta go, call me later.' and that was it.

                              I did not call him later. I didn't call him at all. I did text him Sunday. Sent him a long text saying I was sorry I didn't call, telling him we cant keep living like this, we are hurting each other, there is no comfort here, yada yada. I told him I will always love him. His response? 'Ok'. Then he messed up because he copied my text and sent it to someone else, but then texted me saying 'my wife just sent me that' well it doesn't take a genius to figure out who he sent it to. So i said 'huh, guess you sent that to the wrong person, huh' It took him a minute to respond. Then he lied and said he had sent it to his friend/boss because he was asking how he was doing. Yeah ok. But thank you, because that made it just a little easier on me and the guilt I was feeling at the time. Then we went on to just discuss bills and basic stuff like that. I paid all the bills, so he is a little lost there...oh well, shoulda been more involved I guess. But I tried to make things easy for him by paying almost all of the bills before I left, writing down the passwords and such, made sure the checkbook was balanced and whatnot. But I have to admit, his short response, and the fact that he isn't fighting me at all hurt. Even though I know why, it still hurt. After all the times I have tried to leave and all the stunts he has pulled to get me to stay...I mean I wanted easy. So I am glad. But there is definitely a finality to it I wasn't expecting. So it sets in that now I am on my own for the first time in my life and I have nothing except my car. Well, I have everything and nothing. He has someone to lean on during this time, he has the house, he has one of my dogs, he has stability. I have my kids, a grandbaby on the way, the support of friends and family, i don't think there's anything my step dad wouldn't do to help me, i have my dog(missing one, but maybe someday ill have her back). He ran off his family. Maybe in the near future I can finally tell him how fucked up his version of reality is.

                              Why is it though...I was so miserable. I was scared all the time, tense all the time. "it wasn't so bad", but it was, so why is it I lose focus on that and now all i can focus on is how much i miss him, how good his touch felt, how comforting it was to have him there at night. How I will miss the rides and trips we took. How I will miss his smile, his laugh. Hell, I will even miss taking care of him. It is so much a part of who i am and now that's all stripped away and i am left feeling very empty and lonely. I thought to myself before I left that I am never getting married again and i just want to be alone, but now that the reality of actually being alone is setting in...well, I don't know if I can handle it...

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                                Now I am sitting at work, bawling my eyes out, snotting all over the place, head pounding and i dont want to be here, but I cant afford not to be. I cant afford to lose my overtime now...maybe i should've just took the week off...

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