Trbrats training log...Ready to Get Rugged

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    Good job getting prepared. Feeling like you've done something at the very least will help, I'm sure of that. Hopefully, you can leave some of that guilt behind and get out there quick and as painlessly as possible.

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      We're all here for you. You can do this. It takes such strength to do as you are and I sincerely hope it goes well for you. Best of luck.

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        You are so strong. We are here for you. You can do this!

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          Thank you so much! I really hope i can dig deep and do what I know I need to do!

          It's still so hard...things have been tense, but yesterday he was weird. We talked about a few things - through email. Talked on the phone. He senses something is up with me. Says he just waiting for me to leave again, or kick him out, or tell him i don't love him. Play on my guilt. He tells me he wants me to be happy and if I want out he will make it easy. (do I trust that?...IDK, but all I want is easy) I was reading yesterday about Narcissists' and pretty much, they will never be the one to say they want to leave, because then they can't play the victim and make you look bad. I wholeheartedly believe this. He absolutely wants me to be the bad guy and tells me all the time "if you loved me, if you wanted me bad enough, then you will do whatever it takes, you will fight for me" and when I willingly let him walk out a door or whatever he lets me know how hurtful that is that I am just willing to let him go. Guys my mind is so warped by him. Even though I am seeing things more clearly, and even though I know he has something going on with someone else, I am still struggling with holding on to the anger. I need to let that bitch burn(the anger) and unleash it, but the guilt squashes the flames. Sigh. He wanted to talk last night and I was debating on how much I was ready to tell him, as my proverbial ducks arent quite in a row yet, but that talk never happened. It seemed he had forgotten he even said that, which was fine with me. By the time he got home i had a splitting headache so i had laid down. He said he was sorry. So he kissed my ass and I welcomed that a little to much. Part of me liking that he was probably feeling very guilty, and partly because he doesnt do it that much and it just felt nice for someone to dote on me for a change.

          I seriously need to find a good CPTSD therapist. I tried several different ones but none were a good fit and it gets exhausting to keep going over the same things with different therapists.

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            Originally posted by Trbrat75 View Post
            I seriously need to find a good CPTSD therapist.
            This would help to clarify what you really want to do

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              I know everyone has said this a million times. I just wanna add my voice in support of you and your decisions.
              You make choices for yourself. Not for him. Your choice to leave him does not have to be about him. It does have to be about saving your own mind, body and soul, all of which you are losing by degrees with every day you with him. As he points his fingers at you and backs you into a corner (this is scary, and I’ve been there, there’s no fear to match it, even if there is no physical contact), you CAN say “this is about me and what I need in order to be okay.” Nothing else. Nothing about him, because those words are wasted air time on a narcissist.
              We are all here for you and rooting for your best foot going forward. Hang tough!

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                When I was in college, I was in a relationship witha verbally abusive asshole. He wasn't physically abusive yet but looking back on it, I think that it might have escalated to that level. And he was a narcissist like yours I stayed at his place a lot due to a shitty room-mate situation. Although your situation is different (a marriage, a lot more invested), I see of many similairities. You deserve better.

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                  It feels so good to have so many people in my corner! Thank you guys so much for being encouraging and sharing similar stories! I just wanna wrap you all up in a ginormous hug!

                  That is some very good advice DorothyMH , thank you

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                    How in the hell is someone supposed to survive on their own?! I mean seriously! To rent somewhere(decent) that will take my animals will cost almost more, if not more than I make in a month! FML

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                      Ugh. Things are so expensive now!

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                        I just want to echo what everyone else has been saying - you are so strong and we are all rooting for you as you take these difficult steps to remove yourself from your current situation. Are there any domestic violence shelters in your area that allow pets? Or that could help you find affordable housing?
                        Hugs and best wishes!

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                          TBH Whirly I feel weird about going to a shelter. It keeps getting brought up to me though, by therapists I have talked to. It seems extreme to me, but perhaps I am just uneducated on it. I dont know, I guess I just dont think my situation is bad enough to warrant going to a shelter. But, I will look into it more. Thank you!

                          I opened up a new checking account Friday. Another step in the right direction. They were very understanding of my situation. Someone at work told me I could have my check direct deposited into 2 separate accounts, and I am about to start working OT so this is some very useful info! I feel really bad though, because my son is just about to start school...I hate that he will start and i may have to yank him out to start somewhere new. That will be so hard on him and this is causing me pause right now. But things are so tense...idk how long I can keep this up. I got a lot of non essentials packed up and have been super cleaning...he asked me if I was taking inventory of my stuff... and his Mom caught me trying to get some boxes out while she was in the bathroom...oopsie. She knows a lot of what's going on, and I have told her I am done...to which she said 'i think ya'll should throw this shit under the bed until he(my son) turns 18' i'm like mom, we have been throwing shit under the bed for years! But still, i don't want her to see me actively trying to get stuff out of the house.

                          I am tired of this never ending circle. These ups and downs, the gaping hole in my chest, the burning of my anxiety, the fear...they are wearing me down faster and faster.

                          I want to feel normal again, what ever that is

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                            Originally posted by DorothyMH View Post
                            I know everyone has said this a million times. I just wanna add my voice in support of you and your decisions.
                            You make choices for yourself. Not for him. Your choice to leave him does not have to be about him. It does have to be about saving your own mind, body and soul, all of which you are losing by degrees with every day you with him. As he points his fingers at you and backs you into a corner (this is scary, and I’ve been there, there’s no fear to match it, even if there is no physical contact), you CAN say “this is about me and what I need in order to be okay.” Nothing else. Nothing about him, because those words are wasted air time on a narcissist.
                            We are all here for you and rooting for your best foot going forward. Hang tough!
                            I am rereading this...need to remind myself, center myself...you are correct here, and my daughter has said as much as well...he refuses to see the damage he does. he plays the victim, oh woah as him

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                              I did that too: inch stuff out by degrees, pack stuff I need overnight into the back of my car. Sorting and packing silently and incognito. Tossing it under the bed until the kid is 18, only prolongs YOUR agony. Teaches your kid the wrong lesson. Take care of the kid by taking care of yourself. He will adapt. And he will learn that narcissistic behavior is intolerable and that his mother is STRONG. A good lesson for any young man to learn. A shelter is for those who feel threatened and need to be safe. That’s you. 😉
                              Oh, and I had a kid too. She is grown up now and feels very strongly that I did the best thing for both of us. 😎

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