Trbrats training log...Ready to Get Rugged

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    you guys are the bees knees

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          If you can imagine....

          a dark hallway, dingy and gray, filled with cobwebs and dust. squinting to make your way through, you tread carefully. The hallway is narrow, and a type of fog is surrounding you, you can reach out with both hands and touch each side wall. The only light is a dimmed fixture at the end of the hall that is flickering, messing with your sight. There are moments when you see quite clearly, then the light flickers and the confusion sets in. Did I see what I thought I saw? It seemed so clear a minute ago. I doubt myself. But keep making my way forward, just trying to find a way out. I extend my arms reluctantly, reaching, but also scared of what I could find, I trip over nothing, it seems. I stop to gather myself. The light flickers again..I can see, for a brief moment...but there is so much debris. How do I make it through this? Panic is setting in...I need to go while the light is working...but I stand still, eyes darting around. I take a step forward, then another. The light goes out. I am alone, scared and confused. How did I get here?


          This is kind of how it feels. I read things, i watch videos, I am trying to gain more awareness. There are a lot of OH!! moments while watching videos and reading, a lot of crying as the realization hits me. But then I doubt all of it. It's me, maybe I am the narcissist, or I was. Seems I had my share of narcissistic traits. I blamed it on being gullible. Maybe we both are narcissistic...I thought of myself as an Empath of sorts, always so sensitive. Not wanting to hurt other people, never purposefully. But I did. I felt horrible about it, but it didnt stop me from doing it again...but I am easily manipulated by others... Back and forth I go..and so goes this ongoing tennis match.

          I am still walking everyday, but that is all i can muster right now.

          Thank you for your continued support. It is more appreciated than you know.

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              Keep moving forward...even if it's a slow movement. We're here for you every step of the way!

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                So...is it just me or is it a crazy coincidence that i read this comment, and a person that replied (which I edited more personal parts out) after writing how I felt? The comment is on a video on You Tube about 'Mind Games Played by the Narcissist'

                "I feel like im gaslighting myself into thinking IM the narc because I blame myself first and have bpd traits, but then the ex has a lot of narc traits like how he acted toward me and i NEVER did towards him. I dont even trust myself anymore"13REPLY

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                Ominous

                2 months ago
                Had the same thing. That's why he is so good. But what you're doing is simply called looking for your own mistakes in that relationship. Was he/she wrong/ the narc? Or was I the narc? Or were we both narcs, going back and forth? But in essence, you question yourself where you went wrong in the relationship. That's a healthy sign. You're willing to learn from your mistakes. That's a sign you can trust yourself. They send you on a guilt trip when they tell you their trauma's and (kind of) admit where certain behaviours come from
                .


                I literally read the first sentence 'i feel like i am gaslighting myself into thinking IM the narc' and let out a loud gasp, like someone had literally just punched me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me, and had to push away from my desk and hide because I had to fight off the bawling that was coming because let me tell you, the truth hurts

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                  If you allow me one question you don't have to answer here but only to yourself: Do you have any real responsibilities that keep you from just going away, at least for a bit? Anything that really, really tells you you absolute have to stay?
                  Like I said, don't feel compelled to answer that question here. It's just that I once found out that during a lot of agonising I've never asked that question myself, and when I finally found the courage to ask it, some things fell into place. Mind you, I've never been through anything like you, but I thought I'll throw that out there.
                  Wishing you all the strength you need. Sincerely.

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                      Trbrat75 :

                      You are strong.
                      You are worthy.
                      You are worthy of respect.
                      You are worthy of a good life.
                      You do a lot for other people. Which is a good thing. But you do not owe anyone so much of yourself that you don't have enough energy left to look after yourself.
                      Your situation is not easy, and it has no easy answers. You have every right to be feeling what you are feeling.

                      I'm wishing continued strength for you, my friend, and wisdom to navigate your best path forward.

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                        Remember that you are still standing and this is worth something

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                          I have my out, and I am hoping all will work out and I will leave soon. I am scared, but I hope that he will not fight me, as it seems he has taken a relationship with someone else. I have proof that something is going on. I just need to get some things taken care of on my end. As tense as things have been I am worried this will be brought to a head before I am fully prepared(who am i kidding? I will never be fully prepared)...but i do have some ground work started. I have started packing small things, I will work on getting some stuff out of the house this week.

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                            I ended up sending that post before I finished what I was saying.

                            Thank you Fremen , and Rainbow Dragon lofivelcro it's really only the guilt and sense of responsibility because I take care of everything.

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                              Good luck with your preparations 🍀🤞 Hopefully you'll get out with not much fuzz.. I'm rooting for you!

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                                Fingers crossed 🤞

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