Trbrats training log...Ready to Get Rugged

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    Happy (Belated) Birthday!

    I echo everyone here with their words, but most especially basecamp. We're here as much as we can be if and when you need us.

    ​​​​​​​

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      Thank you all for your birthday wishes and hugs and words of encouragement. You have no idea how grateful I am for the support that i have, and that you all have shown. My birthday was ok, no drama, so i am thankful for that. Just another day.
      I think i need someone to follow me around and hear the things that are said to tell me that I am being manipulated, guilted, gas-lighted, etc because I am finding that I am so used to it I dont always see it for what it is. I am learning, but still, when i tell someone about something that was said, or a scenario, they look at me funny. They tell me why what was said or done was wrong. I realize I am partly oblivious to most of the ways I am being manipulated. It totally irritates a few of my closer friends, (to the point they are exasperated with me), and my daughter, hell, i irritate myself. My daughter now shakes her head and says "Mooommm...do betterrrr"

      I am only keeping up with walking right now, i do more vigorous activities on the weekends, like weeding, weed eating and deep cleaning. I'm just tired and everything seems to hurt

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        It's hard to see something when you are in the middle of it. If you can, try to step out of it and look at the situation as if you were watching this happening to a friend. Keep a journal (if you can put it in a safe place).

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          CODawn i do have lots of things wrote down, but i am bad about forgetting that I have it out, or when i have the chance to, forgetting what i want to write down. I keep a lot of it at work now. (I'm sure I need some ADHD meds)

          The self doubt is a horrible beast. No matter how many different therapists and friends and even some of his friends have told me he is not good to me i need to leave(this has been the case for a long time), I still think it's me. My fault. Therapists tell me to run, go to a domestic violence shelter, GET OUT NOW!...i think 'you all are not understanding me, i am explaining this all wrong, he's not that bad, really....' I mean, he doesnt beat me. I just dont know how to get past that voice in my head...tell it to shut up, get pissed( i have been told I need to get pissed, and I have every right to be, but it goes to fuel the guilt and all i do is get mildly irritated). I wish I could get pissed. I wish i could point out his bullshit to him(baby steps, I have started as I said before, and I am keeping it going, even if it is something small, that is a big step for me) Right now he is unusually calm, talking through things I reluctantly tell him, not going off on tangents. So this throws me off. I don't trust it, but it still makes me wonder if I am not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he really is trying?? UUUHH, but i have been here countless times before and it never lasts. Sigh. I just want to walk away and not look back.

          I look and read countless articles and survivor stories. I know if I was to show him what i read, and explain, look, this here, is EXACTLY me and why i act the way i act, he would 1) tell me I read to much and to stop. 2) Be pissed and get defensive because everything that I identify with says it is a trauma response, and putting the blame on him, calling him toxic or manipulative are all triggers for him. Then he screams and doesnt see how I can say that...then I freeze because he is screaming, or pissed, even though I have a ton of shit on him, but I can't speak. Thoughts pack their bags and leave, memories,, traumatic events...yeah no, we don't want to bring that up because that will hurt him. But he did it!! He has his fair share on me as well and thats where the guilt comes in. There have been times when i have told him the things he has done, or does. He will do his best to apologize and say how horrible he is and why am I still with him...he will change for a while...

          WTF is wrong with me

          Hell i went off on a tangent...that was not intended, but it helps to get it out of my head and in words in front of my face.

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            I wish i had words of wisdom to offer, but instead i will offer virtual hugs and real prayers.

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              Self-doubt is an asshole. There is nothing "wrong" with you.

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                There is nothing wrong with you! Living with abuse changes a person so much; just being able to acknowledge that is such strength!

                If you can't have someone there with you, have you considered a discreet recording device? Microphone, button camera, etc?

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                  JCU I actually put something on my phone about a month or so ago, but I havent used it yet. I really need to try it out. There are times when i wish i had some little cameras set up...not just for catching him saying something, but for catching interactions of my MIL with my son(my youngest is 15, and i will admit he is an ass, but it's not totally his fault). I know she cant do anything to him but I feel like she may exaggerate things that go on during the day. Also, according to my kids a lot goes on when i am not around, as there dad acts out more or runs his mouth more. Idk if this is still going on as he has backed almost completely off of having anything to do with my youngest now. "i am not allowed to parent anymore" he claims...No, you can parent, just don't belittle and get all pissed off because people can't read your damn mind or cant do something the exact way you want it done because it is a new skill trying to be learned...actually he can be very good at sitting down and talking about why things should or should not be done, but sadly that is not the route he takes normally.

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                      I can hear the strength in you, you are done living this way and being treated this way.

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                        Today marks 28 years of marriage. Neither one of us has said anything about it yet...so I wonder if it actually slipped his mind,(not very likely) or if he is waiting to jump me with the "YOU FORGOT...blah blah..." Also, he recently sold his motorcycle. I know he wanted to go back to Tenn to buy another one he saw on our trip in May. We can not afford a higher payment, and he had said over and over it should go down. Well thats not the case. Because it is an older one they cant finance it for as long so the payment will go up $44. Things are tight now as it is...so he said it was on me...of course he tried to put it on me, so he can blame me for freaking out about money, or pout "my wife said i couldnt have it". I was determined not to let him put it on me, but I played my part. I was trying to crunch some numbers and asked him what his monthly check was, then he said nevermind, he wouldnt get it and we can have $400 a month extra. This is actually a good idea, for several reasons, but I feel wretched about it. I think he is playing on that guilt saying that he 'has to do his part (he brings home almost double what I do, sooo....he more than does his part) and he wants to help out...we can use the money to pay down credit cards.' Yes, this is what I want to do, what we(I)need to do...so why do i feel so bad about it?? (not to mention it's one less thing in our name together to worry about, and yes that has crossed my mind). I'm sure this isnt over...but i wish I didnt feel so damn GUILTY

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