Trbrats training log...Ready to Get Rugged

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    I come across this...it's almost like someone is writing my story. There are things written here that I need to hold close to me right now

    You can’t breathe, the walls seem to close in around you and the world just seems so dark.
    Why must I say goodbye to someone that I love?
    Because sometimes, people need to stay in your heart, but not your life.
    He had led me down a terrible road and caused me so much pain, yet for some reason, I couldn’t let go..until now.
    It hurt worse than anything I’ve ever known, but trying to love a toxic person slowly eats away at everything you are..
    And I just couldn’t do it anymore.
    I had lost pieces of myself trying to fix him and I was just tired.
    I needed more than rest, I needed a change..
    And I had to get away from the person I once thought was my everything to have the kind of future I knew I deserved.
    He would never understand and probably hate me for it, but that’s okay..
    I’m doing what’s best for both of us.
    It won’t be easy and there will be so many times I’ll want to pick up the phone and reach out to him..but I can’t, I won’t.
    My story had turned into a tale of anger, jealousy and rage from a person that said they loved me, and I couldn’t live like that anymore.
    That isn’t who I’m meant to be- I’m capable of becoming so much more.
    They say doing the right thing will set you free, but the truth is that it will break you first.
    It shattered me and my heart into a million pieces as I trudged through each day trying not to think, not to feel..
    But this is what I know- I have to be broken, beautifully so, to let the light into my soul where it has been covered in darkness.
    I’ve dwelled so long in misery that I don’t even know how to find the light anymore on my own..
    So, these steps I take now are for my heart, my future and to let the light in again.
    I don’t know which way I’m headed or how I’ll make it through the day sometimes, but I’ll get stronger as each day passes.
    It’s not easy as I cry in the shower and lay in bed awake at night, but it’s necessary to move on, to grow.
    This will not define me, this pain and heartache.
    He pushed me to the edge, but now I can see the truth of what he and I became..and it wasn’t healthy.
    I’ll lose myself in my friends, my music and my hope, because that’s how I’ll keep getting stronger.
    One day, it’ll stop hurting and begin fading away.
    Until then, I’ll keep my face to the light, surround myself with those that feel like the sunshine and always know that brighter days are ahead.
    Like always, I can do it..
    I got this.
    |ravenwolf

    Check out my books!
    www.houseofravenwolf.com

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      NancyTree
      lofivelcro

      Thank you both . You are right, but I understand where they are coming from. They dont want him to continue to manipulate or rake me over the coals going through this. They dont want me to keep cowering down to him. They want me to get mad so I can stop blaming myself, so I am not afraid to stand up for myself. They want me to see that this was him and not me. They are ready for me to open my eyes all the way, and let the fog clear so i can take back my life.

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        Great you made that step! Good luck for everything, you got this.

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          Things are getting worked out...sort of, with my son and school. So I am feeling a bit of relief there, for now...But I will have to get with his dad and make sure it is ok for him to get off the bus at the house, which I dread asking. Only contact I have had with my husband has been matter of fact and about money, as he is making me aware of what he is doing. Telling me I still have access to the money. Pretty sure he is just covering his ass, which is understandable. But he has not asked about his son, or tried to contact him. So I hate to ask him for anything.
          I am pretty worried about how the divorce will play out. People keep giving me advice and it's just freaking me out. I don't want to fight with him, i just want this done. I know we both want uncontested, but at the same time, I don't want to get screwed...which i know i will, because I don't want to fight. Even though I have all the ammo, I have never been good at using it and standing my ground...sigh.

          Saturday was ok, I went to my Moms Athletic Clubs' pig roast. It was dull. A real disappointment compared to what it used to be. But it kept me distracted, sort of. Problem being, right behind this place is where my mom lived when I met Arthur(my husband) and eventually we bought that house from her. We renewed our vows in the backyard and the reception was at the club....so many memories. So many years, everywhere I go I see him, us.

          Anyways.

          Sat evening I took my son to a local park...yea big mistake. The last time I was there it was so nice, but now its trashed and filled with less than desirable people. It was so...bad. We stayed for only a little while, walked down by the river and went back home. Yuck.

          Sunday was amazing!

          I had a little trouble getting properly motivated but I took my son to a trampoline park. It was a bit of a let down as far as comparing it to the last one we went to, not near as many fun things to do when you don't really do flips and tricks lol. But we kept ourselves occupied playing dodgeball against each other and we wore out pretty quickly. For $16 we both got to jump for an hour and that included the socks, I was shocked as I was expecting to pay much more. We left tired and winded after 45 mins lmao...and to think my son wanted to jump for 2 hours! I barely lasted 15 mins lol. After that we met up with my daughter and took our dogs to the park and ate some pizza, then went back to her place and talked and played games...i haven't laughed so hard in so long! I stayed way later than I should have, but it was so hard to leave!

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            I’m glad to hear your daughter is back in your life again. You’re headed in a good and healing direction

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              Looks like it's going uphill. Glad to read that you laughed a lot, that made me smile. It's getting better, that's great.

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                You are doing so well. I love the phoenix tattoo idea.

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                  I love that you laughed....😊

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                    So glad you're finding laughter again!

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                      Thank you all

                      My road leading forward is filled with uncertainty and I don't do well with that. I like a routine, I like security, I like being settled in a life where I know what needs to be done and how to accomplish it(well, for the most part). Right now I don't have that and it is very unsettling. I know it will get better, but right now it is still all very overwhelming, and the actual divorce part is filling me with such dread. I just want this over with so I can properly move on, but I am afraid it wont be that easy. I know I have a ton of arsenal I can use...but I don't want things to get ugly.

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                        Originally posted by Trbrat75 View Post
                        I know I have a ton of arsenal I can use...but I don't want things to get ugly.
                        You're a good person, I genuinely believe and mean that

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                          lofivelcro thank you so much for saying that. There are days were I struggle to see the good in me and I constantly blame myself and put myself down. I have a few people close to me who have reiterated to me that i am a good person. Sometimes I ever wonder if I will ever heal from the sins of my past.

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                            what a day

                            ups and down...i guess thats what its all about.

                            My drive is terrible in the afternoon, i am in my car for 1 1/2 - 1:45 just driving from work to pick up my son and then back home. it is rough and tiring. Yesterday I was able to make arrangements to have someone pick up my son from school hopefully from today on. So that will shorten my drive a bit, but her schedule conflicts with mine just a bit. I can sit around for about a half hour and wait for her or i can change my schedule at work. I think I will change my work schedule so then we can get a bit more sleep in the morning. Unfortunately that puts me on the hwy right in 5 o'clock traffic...ugh.

                            This morning was just...stressful. But I guess I am lucky

                            The drive in this morning resulted in me getting stuck on the hwy for over an hour. Found out that there was a shooting on the hwy which caused one car to wreck and 1 casualty. So they completely shut down the hwy for investigation(link here if your the curious type). Had I left at my normal time, i may have gotten caught in the middle of that. Instead I only got caught in traffic. I was finally able to turn around and exit off the closest on ramp as they said it could be shut down for 4 - 5 hours. This caused me to have to take my son all the way into school instead of dropping him off with the person who is taking him for me. When I got to school there was a homeless looking man hanging out in front of the school so I was a tad leery. He walked off and a woman came out from the school on the phone. I assumed she was calling the police. I was right, but for the wrong reason. Turns out he reported finding something close to the school that 'the kids shouldn't see'. Someone had disposed of some needles by the road in front of the school. Disgusting. People just.... No place feels safe to me anymore.

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                              What a day, indeed. It will get better. Hang in there.

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