Let's try this again....

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    Got intimidated by Sidekick Practice because it was long and only one thing.

    New thing.

    Baseline - Day 1
    Ironborn - Day 1
    Vitality - Day 1


      Forgot to post the last couple days.

      Baseline - Day 2
      Ironborn - Day 2
      Vitality - Day 2

      Thursday (yesterday)
      Baseline - Day 3
      Ironborn - Day 3
      Vitality - Day 3


        Today: Monday
        AM: Shadowboxing to Clubbed to Death (Kurayamino Variation)

        Baseline - Day 4
        Ironborn - Day 4
        Vitality - Day 4


          Yesterday: Tuesday

          Vitality - Day 5
          Ironborn - Day5
          Vitality - Day 5



            Vitality - Day 6
            Ironborn - Day 6
            Baseline - Day 6


              I'm still here, just became preoccupied with food and food management.
              Put myself on a 3 day water fast, but only made it 2 days. Well, 49.5 hours to be exact but, but it was a way to reset things.
              I have PKU and I believe a lot of problems I have stem from mismanagement of that. I've always struggled with with it.


                *looks at date of last post* Oh dang, February.

                Well. It certainly has been awhile. Hope everyone's good.
                Me, I'm just piddlin' around here in my domicile. I don't get out much.
                Spent most my time between February and now with Mass Effect. I mean, other than work. I was working on a video project using Mass Effect gameplay I had recorded of the Citadel DLC. Finished it for the May 15th release of Legendary Edition and then proceeded to spend the next 30 days or so playing the trilogy from start to finish. I failed Tali. I made a bad choice in leadership and...

                I bought a spin bike before my excursion into the Milky Way and recently found a good Youtube channel for spin sessions that I'll be working up to.
                Made some dietary changes. Sat down and determined what my main medical issues were: high blood pressure, high LDL cholesterol, and PKU. Went out and found lists for food that are low in sodium, low in cholesterol, low in protein, and good for high blood pressure. Cross compared lists for foods I could stand to eat more than once and now have a solid plan.
                Read this article about a guy who created one menu for himself, so each meal would be different, but he'd be eating the same thing for breakfast everyday, the same thing for lunch every day, and likewise for dinner. He's been doing that for 5 years and it's worked for him. I'm basing my current plan on that concept.

                Went to the ER the other day for high blood pressure and swelling in my feet and ankles. Just to get checked out. I had been on a low dose of BP meds, but stopped when I ran out. Now I'm back on them. I hadn't been 100% onboard, because mentally I was still hanging on to the desire of the ideal male body - muscular, proportional, defined. I had to let that dream go and accept that what I have is what I have. My approach to exercise changed as a result too, and food.

                My approach to exercise is just to counteract the effects of sitting down all day and to keep moving so I don't get old and stiff. The focus is not on burning fat anymore. My approach to food is more medicinal. There are two things food can be: an experience or fuel. And that's where the concept of that article comes in: find food that still gives a moderately positive experience so as not to be boring but be nutritious enough to result in balanced meals. I've discussed the issue with myself and managed to separate the two in my mind enough that I can approach certain food as fuel and certain food as an experience.

                I feel old. I'm only 34 but I feel like my grandfather when he was in his 80's, in both mind and body. Letting that desire die of the ideal male physique...I watched it fade away in my mind. I had decided I wouldn't try to prolong my life - just let myself wither and die naturally and make sure I would have my affairs in order before I did. Giving up on life, but yet not giving up. I discussed it with my sister and she was able to talk me out of that spiral. I found myself wondering if that was how people who took their own lives started that spiral. I don't know if I can communicate it in a way that would be understood, but it was line of thinking that could've led to a dark place. I'm fine now, though.

                A goal I created for myself prior to that to give my life a physical and mental sense of direction is the "freedom to do nothing." In retrospect, I guess that's a byproduct of living with anxiety. I'd like to be able to choose whether to get out of bed in the morning and what to do with my day depending on how I feel. Not shirking responsibility completely, just the degree of responsibilities would be such that I could temporarily put them off. I had been getting overwhelmed with living life by a clock. Getting to that goal would be a lot of work, and the irony would be that by the time I got there, I'd be too old to enjoy it and I'd have to get out of bed in the morning or I'd rot away.

                I should probably stop there. If you made it this far, I hope it wasn't physically tiring to read all that.


                  Welcome back Brontus - Thanks for sharing the experiences you've had for the last couple of months, and I'm glad you are in a better place now.

                  Have fun with your spin bike, and good luck with your dietary plan


                    It may have been a while since I checked in, but haven't left. Still been using Darebee for workouts here and there.

                    In the time since my last post, I received a root canal and am now the proud owner of a crown. The tooth that needed the work was 60%-70% consumed by a cavity I was aware might be there, but didn't realize it had grown so large. It's been 20 years since I've been to the dentist so...makes sense that it would be that large.

                    That experience changed my eating habits a bit. I had to eat soft foods for a couple weeks while I had a temporary crown. Smoothies, applesauce, and oatmeal was about it and that only lasted a couple days. Experimented with more solid foods and made a breakthrough - cutting up my food into little pieces which also helped cut down on portion sizes.

                    Even after getting the permanent crown, I'm still restricting food amd being careful how and what I eat. My overall health is worse than I thought. My microbiome is really out of whack, which is why I've been developing sensitivities to foods here and there, according to my dietitian.

                    It's definitely easier to talk about doing something than actually doing it and committing to it, and I find that I talk about things and repeat things...to the point my sister has said I'm just making excuses. I also find the more I talk about something, the more expectations I create for myself. So in effort to focus on and commit to what I now have planned, this log may not be updated for a while.

                    To psych myself up, I wrote this poem.

                    The board is set.
                    I must not give in.
                    The pieces are ready,
                    so let us begin.