from Louisiana
So, I've been thinking a lot these last few months about my goals and what I want to do with my life. If I'm being honest, I've never been great about long game plans and waiting. I was one of those kids in high school that never had to study because I simply understood - never had to work hard at my classes just because it didn't take much, you know? The depression was there, but drowned out by stuffing days with going to Tai Chi and Tennis classes, or doing backstage work at the school theater, or filming, or volunteering at the hospital, or practicing for Speech and Debate teams, or planning out treasury plans for my school's LGBTQ support group chapter with the other appointed officers, or... or... or.
It's hard to know what to fill the days with when you're out of school. You go to work, you come home, you're too tired to do much of anything but watch whatever on Netflix or Crunchyroll or Hulu because sometimes it's hard to put the love of creativity into the world when you're just too tired and too depressed and too anxious to do more than consume and exist and be little more than half-dead for all the world might care.
What I've noticed most about these past two months is that I'm writing more and I'm starting to dream about the things that I want to do outside of the idea of work and how I could have a fulfilled life even if I literally just work at a diner right now. A few months ago, the idea of dancing teased at me - I figured I didn't have the fitness for it, or the stamina, or the confidence, or the time... But even after just a few days, it's really about making the time, because the rest comes with it once you make the time.
A few years ago, I had a pretty major medical scare. Basically, my spinal fluid built up in my skull, which caused intense, daily, consistent migraines including persistent double vision, throwing up, and a slew of other issues. I learned that because of the build up, my body was reacting like I had a brain tumor and I had only a few months to come up with thousands and thousands of dollars on my own, especially since the long term risks of that fluid remaining increased as time passed. If I didn't get fixed, I could have gone blind. I wore an eye-patch every day because the fluid pushed one of my eyes just a little bit forward and threw off my depth-perception (thus the double vision). I hated being asked what it was, so I just started dressing up like Nick Fury. And maybe I was small and would never ever look like him, but something about pretending I was someone stronger from such a great franchise with such a good actor struck a cord in me to bring light to my personal little hell that I couldn't wake up from. Maybe that's not where my interest in cosplay comes from, but I know the characters I want to be are like him: ones I want to emulate because they earned their strength through will and character alone.
I guess this is getting pretty sad, but my point is... I think it's taken awhile between that trauma, then the trauma of a messy divorce, then the reeling of what it is to be alive in a world that feels more damned than some in fiction - I'm re-learning what it is to live for the components that can make me feel human again. And maybe it took awhile to learn how to simply survive and breathe, and maybe I'm late to every damn party, but I guess the other people will just have to accept that I'm fashionably late to self-love.
It's hard to know what to fill the days with when you're out of school. You go to work, you come home, you're too tired to do much of anything but watch whatever on Netflix or Crunchyroll or Hulu because sometimes it's hard to put the love of creativity into the world when you're just too tired and too depressed and too anxious to do more than consume and exist and be little more than half-dead for all the world might care.
What I've noticed most about these past two months is that I'm writing more and I'm starting to dream about the things that I want to do outside of the idea of work and how I could have a fulfilled life even if I literally just work at a diner right now. A few months ago, the idea of dancing teased at me - I figured I didn't have the fitness for it, or the stamina, or the confidence, or the time... But even after just a few days, it's really about making the time, because the rest comes with it once you make the time.
A few years ago, I had a pretty major medical scare. Basically, my spinal fluid built up in my skull, which caused intense, daily, consistent migraines including persistent double vision, throwing up, and a slew of other issues. I learned that because of the build up, my body was reacting like I had a brain tumor and I had only a few months to come up with thousands and thousands of dollars on my own, especially since the long term risks of that fluid remaining increased as time passed. If I didn't get fixed, I could have gone blind. I wore an eye-patch every day because the fluid pushed one of my eyes just a little bit forward and threw off my depth-perception (thus the double vision). I hated being asked what it was, so I just started dressing up like Nick Fury. And maybe I was small and would never ever look like him, but something about pretending I was someone stronger from such a great franchise with such a good actor struck a cord in me to bring light to my personal little hell that I couldn't wake up from. Maybe that's not where my interest in cosplay comes from, but I know the characters I want to be are like him: ones I want to emulate because they earned their strength through will and character alone.
I guess this is getting pretty sad, but my point is... I think it's taken awhile between that trauma, then the trauma of a messy divorce, then the reeling of what it is to be alive in a world that feels more damned than some in fiction - I'm re-learning what it is to live for the components that can make me feel human again. And maybe it took awhile to learn how to simply survive and breathe, and maybe I'm late to every damn party, but I guess the other people will just have to accept that I'm fashionably late to self-love.
from Ringo, WANO
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